I noticed just the other day my trousers wouldn’t fit

The waistband button wouldn’t meet the eyelet opposite

Our Gert took in this sorry sight and then got in a huff

“You’re going on a diet with me” she said. “Enough’s enough”.

 

She brought a Slimming World plan home and said I’d have to try it

Courgette and sweet potato bake – what a fucking diet!

 

There’s green tea and a yoghurt shake instead of bacon baps

She packs up avocados and green peppers for my snap;

I’m never one to whinge about the teas she makes for me

But honestly! I ask you! Quorn and celery?

 

If I don’t get some proper snap there’ll be a fucking riot

I’m craving pie and chips and peas and not this fucking diet!

 

Now, ladies, this is not the best way to your lover’s heart;

I tell Our Gert: it does no good; I need to get more smart.

I’ll circumvent her strategy; it’s done – my order’s placed

I’ve bought some pants from Mothercare, elastic in the waist.

 

So all you roly-poly blokes, this slimming lark – don’t try it

You’ll end up saying just like me, “What a fucking diet!”