Tears, Earned

Our Beloved Mother, Another year, another birthday without you. Miss everything about you...gone but never forgotten. As much as our Mother lives on in our hearts we miss her terribly so...and days like these, especially a day like today, when we should be celebrating all of her, with her .We can't because she was taken from us a long time ago. It feels like forever yet the memories and pain feel still as raw as if it was only yesterday. That makes me sad .... But also it makes me extremely angry.! Times like this what I loathe is when people presume to know how i feel . Wow! the audacity of some, completely unafraid to tell us what we feel exactly, grates at my nerves , especially when I hear "dont be sad/dont cry ". Emotions , feelings is a solitary thing, an individual experience , there's no "we" in feelings. For the record, It may be twenty something odd years that she died..but on days like this it feels like no time has passed. Days when No matter how strong her presence is ,it offers no comfort simply because The literal absence of her physically is so overwhelming ,so heavy, surrounds you in seconds thick like black smoke smothering everything, relentless in its pursuit to blatantly deny you something as fundamental as oxygen wanting your last breath - you know her as Panic attack and every time she is around there's little to no room for much else. So really fighting against your own feelings is..well its futile and mostly exhausting. So we let ourselves feel whatever it is we feeling. And we cry . we are still hurting deeply...coz we love her she's our mother and we miss her coz she's our best friend...each and every one of us best friend. Still we need her ,some days more than others, but we always need her ,more than anyone realizes and I'm certain most are unable to even begin to fathom the depth of our loss. The suffocating magnitude of the emptiness at our very core , an impossible void to fill...we will never truly be completely whole ever again . So we hide within ourselves from ourselves as life goes on everyday doing what you have to. Then along comes bittersweet milestones like birthdays and angelversaries and yes it brings intense pain, but it also brings with it a welcomed reprieve from the facade. Insanity Unmasked, we cry ,scream write sleep etc whatever until we can't anymore and then the laughter comes ,magnificent and it washes over you like a wave cleansing a shore, ,soothing like her laughter ,calming like the sound of her voice floating all around you , finding your center, exhaling. . Do you see now? She deserves every tear shed for her she was a remarkable woman, an unforgettable phenomenal miracle worker. Just amazing all around...so these little tears shed for her today on her birthday as usual will always flow naturally, regardless of whether or not she is in this world. I mean after all she's done for us... Remembering her...is the least we can do... SS 10/2/2017 Dedicated to memory of our very own superwoman Our beloved mother Fatima who's values principles and morals we live by,, who's strength of character we aspire to , who is uncompromising in her convictions, and unwavering in faith in herself ...this we strive for . Following in her footsteps an impossible task especially since the lesson she most loved to teach was " be yourself, never pretend to be anything you're not. Not everyone will love but not everyone will hate you either. What matters is that you love yourself and you can live with who you are" so no follow her footsteps ...I can almost hear my mama say "listen to your heart , make your own path then leave behind your footprints" Till we meet again ...happiest birthday my Angel Mom Always in my heart never far from my thoughts Love you Infinity x infinity Your Girls


◄ Still

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