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City Canal

Half sunken bottles

Mix uneasily

With the first dying leaves of autumn

On the oily surface.

 

Canada geese

Swim gingerly

Around plastic bags menacing

The dark water.

 

Narrow boats

Slip gently

Into city centre moorings,

Not stopping for long.

 

Fish die.

 

◄ Lares et panates

Empty Windows ►

Comments

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Jeff Dawson

Thu 12th Nov 2009 17:55

Hi Alan, great imagery cheers Jeff

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Alan McKean

Sat 24th Oct 2009 17:37

Hi Steve, thanks for the read and comment.
I'm not sure about the extra stanza yet,but I'll have a think, thanks for the idea.

Alan Mc

steve mellor

Sat 24th Oct 2009 15:17

Hi Alan
I like the subject matter particularly and the 'fish die' ending, but I wondered whether this line would have had a little more bite at the end of a fourth stanza

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Alan McKean

Sat 24th Oct 2009 13:11

Many thanks Gus, very much appreciated.
I'll look at your suggestion re "gingerly"

Alan

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Gus Jonsson

Sat 24th Oct 2009 10:10

Superb Alan...he only word that grates a little is 'gingerly'

Good Writing
Gus

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Alan McKean

Fri 23rd Oct 2009 22:43

Like that a lot - thanks Cynthia

changed as suggested
Alan

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Fri 23rd Oct 2009 20:59

Terrific - social subject matter, diction, music, line breaks. Really, really good.

I make one suggestion, very boldly. Consider just for a moment:

Canada geese
Swim gingerly
Around plastic bags menacing
The dark water.

Is it possibly tighter and stronger, with the 'short a' sound grinding along keeping the mood 'menacing'? Not one of your great words is changed.

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