sleep deprived teen angst. (aka, sad jumbled b/s i wrote after staying up all night)
things are getting bad again. things have been bad for awhile.
maybe im thinking too much, i mean, i havent slept in 24 hours
maybe it's just that video i watched on black holes getting to me
the thought that one day everything i know will just be sucked into one singularity and basically cease to exist
it's not really comforting...
things have been bad for awhile.
it's not so much that im suicidal
going through the motions.
i have been for 3 years.
there are short periods of my mood getting better
but i just bring myself down again.
i want to scream and cry and talk and stay silent and sleep
all at once.
im aware that a lot of what im saying isnt orignal
i dont really have the vocabulary or the creativity to word it in a way
that paints a picture in your mind
or that is cleverly crafted with equolent words
im just a kid
who may or may not be depressed
who doesnt really want to live but is too unmotivated to grab the gun and do it my damn self
my mom would say it's just my generation
an era where self harm and suicide is something dreamt about
something people adore
and i am simply a victim of those behaviors.
i just want to fucking chill the hell out yanno
i wanna have a good time without it being ruined by my fucking head
i wanna laugh without convincing myself everyones laughing at me
or out of pity
i want to stop convincing myself no one cares
when i made my fucking bio teacher cry like 4 times over my dumb suicidal ass
and he says i love you all the time
with all the overwhelming evidence that the man cares about me immensley
i still manage to belive that theres no way he'd miss me if i died
like fuck, man
i wish i could just
shut it off
like my mom thinks i can
"you dont have to think that way"
i dont fucking want to, but here i am
sitting in my livingroom at 8:14 AM cos ive stayed up all night
crying and attempting at a poem.
i wouldnt even call this a poem.
just a wall of text thats been broken up with the enter key.
im sitting here wishing a fucking robber comes in and shoots me
im sitting here crying because im terrified of black holes
im sitting here crying because i miss a stupid fucking teacher
im sitting here crying because i feel bad that i keep forgetting to email that one really nice guy back because im too trapped in my head to focus on anything else
and Raj, if you're reading, you're really awesome and i like you my dude
i just suck at responding to people.
im not trying to avoid you.
im fucking sitting here wishing i was fucking dead
but this is normal, right
everyone has bad days
everything is fine, right?
maybe my mom is right..
im just a kid and everyone has gone through what im feeling, im just having a bad year
for the past 3.
just a bad year(s).
it'll get better.