sleep deprived teen angst. (aka, sad jumbled b/s i wrote after staying up all night)

things are getting bad again. things have been bad for awhile.

maybe im thinking too much, i mean, i havent slept in 24 hours

maybe it's just that video i watched on black holes getting to me

the thought that one day everything i know will just be sucked into one singularity and basically cease to exist

it's not really comforting...

things have been bad for awhile.

it's not so much that im suicidal

im just

here.

existing.

going through the motions.

i have been for 3 years.

there are short periods of my mood getting better

but i just bring myself down again.

i want to scream and cry and talk and stay silent and sleep

all at once.

im aware that a lot of what im saying isnt orignal

i dont really have the vocabulary or the creativity to word it in a way

that paints a picture in your mind

or that is cleverly crafted with equolent words

im just a kid

who may or may not be depressed

who doesnt really want to live but is too unmotivated to grab the gun and do it my damn self

my mom would say it's just my generation 

an era where self harm and suicide is something dreamt about

something people adore

or romanticize

and i am simply a victim of those behaviors.

i just want to fucking chill the hell out yanno

i wanna have a good time without it being ruined by my fucking head

i wanna laugh without convincing myself everyones laughing at me 

or out of pity

i want to stop convincing myself no one cares

when i made my fucking bio teacher cry like 4 times over my dumb suicidal ass 

and he says i love you all the time 

with all the overwhelming evidence that the man cares about me immensley

i still manage to belive that theres no way he'd miss me if i died

like fuck, man

i wish i could just

shut it off

like my mom thinks i can

"you dont have to think that way"

i dont fucking want to, but here i am

sitting in my livingroom at 8:14 AM cos ive stayed up all night

crying and attempting at a poem.

i wouldnt even call this a poem.

just a wall of text thats been broken up with the enter key.

im sitting here wishing a fucking robber comes in and shoots me 

im sitting here crying because im terrified of black holes

im sitting here crying because i miss a stupid fucking teacher

im sitting here crying because i feel bad that i keep forgetting to email that one really nice guy back because im too trapped in my head to focus on anything else

and Raj, if you're reading, you're really awesome and i like you my dude

i just suck at responding to people.

im not trying to avoid you.

im fucking sitting here wishing i was fucking dead 

but this is normal, right

everyone has bad days

bad weeks

bad months

bad years

its fine

everything is fine, right?

maybe my mom is right..

im just a kid and everyone has gone through what im feeling, im just having a bad year

for the past 3.

just a bad year(s). 

it'll get better.

right?

depressingdoesn't make sensesadsuicidetiredweird

◄ bridges.

dweeb. ►

Comments

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Louise Hogg

Mon 26th Jun 2017 18:20

M.K. This stream of consciousness moves me on a really deep level. It's not just your generation, it's been 33 years since I was a teenager but your work tells almost word for word how I felt.
You have a real talent. I love to see how your writing helps you. I find that too. I have written as a way of helping myself since I was young and lately it has been my escape as well as my journal. Keep writing, your talent will blossom.
Louise x

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