The future is blank
it's a big secret
nobody is saying anything about it.
I wake just before dawn
to the sound of
trees shaking hands
outside the window,
the wind sweeping along the roof
dusting up the crumbs of sleep.
Time wiping the slate clean;
tearing out the page
dropping in a new one,
shifting return,
setting cold feet to the floor,
each rhythmic press
blackening the page.
I love the poem Tom, and on reading the comments can see the first three lines for me could be more in a flow as an afterthought at the very end instead of at the beginning. This would perhaps give a reflective end instead of a contemplative start. Just my opinion. The whole feel of the lines is superb.
Ray
<Deleted User> (13762)
Thu 15th Jun 2017 17:40
interesting critique for your poem Tom. I'm going to stick my neck out and say I love the whole piece including the first three lines which for me provides a slightly disquieting opener prior to the waking up line - as if the words have come to you on the last breath of a dream.
And the typewriter analogy is just ace and ties in beautifully with the first three lines as if taking over from that narrative. Thumbs ? up all round from me.
I have to say, this is what the comment boxes are all about - sharing opinion, interpretations, knowledge - all good stuff that benefits us all. Respect to everyone.
Col.
Tom,
The very powerful `stand alone-ness` of lines four to nine seem to make the rest of the poem superflous.
patricia Hughes
Thu 15th Jun 2017 13:43
Tom,that is a stunning poem.
A fine poem. I agree with Frances however --- the poem takes off at the 4th line.
...and I wish I'd thought of " trees shaking hands" . A grat image.
Frances Macaulay Forde
Thu 15th Jun 2017 10:52
I agree with the David's comments and could also write to each line from the 4th to the end because, IMHO the poem starts on the forth line.
The first three passive lines don't (for me) add anything to the poem. What they address, is dealt with so much more lyrically later, when 'tearing out the page'...
I hope you don't mind my saying.
?
<Deleted User> (6895)
Thu 15th Jun 2017 10:02
great imagery indeed Tom.
P&S
<Deleted User> (13762)
Thu 15th Jun 2017 08:20
David beat me to it - I love the 'trees shaking hands' image too.
You have the ability to inject a striking image into every short line which in itself is an excellent lesson to any would-be writer. I could write a different poem based on each individual line of this poem - if I had time!
Col.
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Tom Harding
Thu 15th Jun 2017 23:30
wow, thanks all for the kind comments. nice to logon and see all of these. i'm very receptive to feedback and can see how the first three lines could be seen as superfluous. i'm a sucker for a casual and abrupt phrase but see how the poem could be tightened up with their exclusion.
In another way I find it very hard to edit poems once I've finished them, when I go back to a finished draft I'm a bit blind to improvements and I'm a bad editor so these opinions are always welcome!