There are some scenarios which are just too good to miss for parodying.  I have targeted in the past Sepp Blatter, David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Brexiters, Remoaners and (to the disgruntlement of leftie chums who seem to think that their national treasures should be immune) Jezza Corbyn, Diane Abbott and Tony Benn.  The richest vein by far has been Donald Trump.

But a recent story which made the news has left me in some difficulty, largely because there were so many possibilities.  I just didn’t know which to pursue.

The story, you might have read, was about a pensioner who got caught and charged for having sex with three dogs.  Shocked?  Well you shouldn’t be – this was in Lincolnshire.

In the end I gave up trying to select a base song for the parody.  Instead I thought I’d offer a pot pourri of possibilities.

To revisit the story, the central player was a 64 year old pensioner who was filmed having sex with a St Bernard, a Labrador and an Alsatian.  Feminist chums will be delighted to learn that the central role in this low budget, Oscar-nominated epic was a woman. The sex was vaginal and oral and I am prepared to believe was consensual.  This vignette may not necessarily have been a menage a quatre (the woman wasn’t sex mad, you understand) but she may have had faithful relationships with one dog at a time – which she shared with another pensioner (a man).  I assume he played a cameo role as cameraman, props boy, director and bit-part actor.

Anyroadup, I thought I might parody this shaggy dog story and “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo” immediately sprang to mind, followed by Cat Stevens’s “I Love My Dog As Much As I Love You”.

The world then seemed to be my lobster when I considered anything by Three Dog Night, Howlin’ Wolf, The Pet Shop Boys or The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band; or anything from Corgi and Bess, for that matter.

The dimension of oral sex steered me towards the ragtime classic “Salty Dog” and Johnny Cash’s “Dirty Ole Egg-Suckin’ Dog”.  And because it wasn’t clear whether it was she-on-it or it-on-her or indeed if all the dogs were male I could rework “I Got 99 Problems But The Bitch Ain’t One” equally with “Knick Knack Paddywack Give the Dog a Bone”.

There was no suggestion that the dogs were under the age of consent so “Puppy Love” was out of the question and because the breeds were specified neither could I lampoon The Monkees “I’m a Retriever” or Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”.

Anyway she got banged up for it so there’ll be “No More Doggin’ and Foolin’ Aroun’ with You”.  Her “Four Legged Friends” were not incarcerated so I couldn’t scream “Who Let the Dogs Out?” though they will, of course, need a new “Leader of the Pack”.  Vroom, vroom.