street lighting
rain lashing
tyres screeching
glass smashing
voices raising
curtains twitching
gang feuding
tongues wagging
babies crying
dogs barking
blades flashing
shots firing
youth falling
blood spilling
mobiles calling
wheels spinning
time ticking
sirens wailing
death closing
life fading
son dying
Paul,
excellent title.
It doesn`t really need that first line...and maybe slashing
for `flashing`...(to keep it dark),,,just quibbles.
Wow. Just wow.
The structure of this piece really accentuates the story you were trying to draw. The quick, short lines really seemed to mirror the ephemerality of life.
Raj and Ray, thanks to you both, I'm pleased you enjoyed this.
Raj, I'm glad you picked up on the pace, I was trying to build the flow and then end with the stark reminder that the victims are always somebody's child, in this case a son.
Ray, I'm yet to do a live reading but look forward to doing one before too long as I now have a few more poems. And, yes, it is one of the darker subjects I mentioned, well remembered!
I was fascinated by the sheer volume of possibilities of ending in ING and how that allows an expansion of wordplay Paul. I'm always troubled when to use ING or ED . Gives a different sense of a poem I feel.
This would work well in a live reading with the necessary pacing and spacing (3 INGS )!
Is this one of your promised darker poems - I guess so.
Ray.
Nice one Paul. I liked the racy style and then the verbal crescendo. The culmination left me cold.
Col, you might want to advise your son (with homage to own very own John Coopey) that when it snows, the first hut is the deepest. Seriously though, it sounds like massive fun! ?
<Deleted User> (13762)
Fri 13th Jan 2017 18:22
me too - Friday 13th that is. My 19 yr old son is off clubbing tonight in town and the forecast is for snow and he has plans to camp out in his woodland den with his mates after!! God help them. I feel a remake of the Blair Witch Project is in the offing. ? Glad this wasn't personal btw.
Thanks Col, glad that last line worked for you. Thankfully, not from personal experience, just what I've read about the tragic, senseless deaths of youths in gang killings. And I've just noticed it's Friday 13th......?
<Deleted User> (13762)
Fri 13th Jan 2017 17:42
had to read this through a second time after discovering the last line (glad I didn't catch a sneaky peak of it beforehand). I'm not usually a huge fan of this style but that last line makes it work like a punch in the guts. Hope it's not personal. Col.
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Paul Waring
Sat 14th Jan 2017 08:25
Thank you Tristan for another postive comment, I'm really pleased you liked the structure .
And thank you too, Harry, it's always good to receive your feedback.
Paul