Dead of Night

entry picture

street lighting

rain lashing

tyres screeching

glass smashing

voices raising

curtains twitching

gang feuding

tongues wagging

babies crying 

dogs barking

blades flashing

shots firing

youth falling

blood spilling

mobiles calling

wheels spinning

time ticking

sirens wailing

death closing

life fading


son dying

 

 

 

 

 

 

◄ Sunflower

if only...... ►

Comments

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Paul Waring

Sat 14th Jan 2017 08:25

Thank you Tristan for another postive comment, I'm really pleased you liked the structure .

And thank you too, Harry, it's always good to receive your feedback.

Paul

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Harry O'Neill

Fri 13th Jan 2017 21:16

Paul,
excellent title.

It doesn`t really need that first line...and maybe slashing
for `flashing`...(to keep it dark),,,just quibbles.

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Tristan Ayran

Fri 13th Jan 2017 21:01

Wow. Just wow.
The structure of this piece really accentuates the story you were trying to draw. The quick, short lines really seemed to mirror the ephemerality of life.

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Paul Waring

Fri 13th Jan 2017 20:52

Raj and Ray, thanks to you both, I'm pleased you enjoyed this.

Raj, I'm glad you picked up on the pace, I was trying to build the flow and then end with the stark reminder that the victims are always somebody's child, in this case a son.

Ray, I'm yet to do a live reading but look forward to doing one before too long as I now have a few more poems. And, yes, it is one of the darker subjects I mentioned, well remembered!

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raypool

Fri 13th Jan 2017 19:28

I was fascinated by the sheer volume of possibilities of ending in ING and how that allows an expansion of wordplay Paul. I'm always troubled when to use ING or ED . Gives a different sense of a poem I feel.
This would work well in a live reading with the necessary pacing and spacing (3 INGS )!

Is this one of your promised darker poems - I guess so.

Ray.

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Raj Ferds

Fri 13th Jan 2017 18:52

Nice one Paul. I liked the racy style and then the verbal crescendo. The culmination left me cold.

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Paul Waring

Fri 13th Jan 2017 18:38

Col, you might want to advise your son (with homage to own very own John Coopey) that when it snows, the first hut is the deepest. Seriously though, it sounds like massive fun! 😀

<Deleted User> (13762)

Fri 13th Jan 2017 18:22

me too - Friday 13th that is. My 19 yr old son is off clubbing tonight in town and the forecast is for snow and he has plans to camp out in his woodland den with his mates after!! God help them. I feel a remake of the Blair Witch Project is in the offing. 😱 Glad this wasn't personal btw.

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Paul Waring

Fri 13th Jan 2017 18:16

Thanks Col, glad that last line worked for you. Thankfully, not from personal experience, just what I've read about the tragic, senseless deaths of youths in gang killings. And I've just noticed it's Friday 13th......😳

<Deleted User> (13762)

Fri 13th Jan 2017 17:42

had to read this through a second time after discovering the last line (glad I didn't catch a sneaky peak of it beforehand). I'm not usually a huge fan of this style but that last line makes it work like a punch in the guts. Hope it's not personal. Col.

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