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The Bar Maids Brittle Bliss

I've stolen five minutes of this crisp and quiet night

The crackle soothes my brittle ears and

I smoke through my bones

No quality of silence here

I still hear hum and bustle behind glass wall

The boxes rattle by my right

Are rife with swollen faces and brittle brains

as my own trying to find their way home

They won't get there

not this time round

Dry lips and dry hands set in stone

Grip me by my bones

My crooked bones do all the talking

They file out and poison my shaky silence

as I poison their innards with blind bliss and lack of inhibitions

 

16/01/16

◄ Delusions

November Fog ►

Comments

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Green

Thu 15th Sep 2016 17:36

Not at all, I'm here for feedback and love to hear what other poets thinks. Its all very useful and interesting! Thanks Stu x

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Stu Buck

Thu 15th Sep 2016 17:08

thats a super first line and a brilliant title.
this is great, i like your writing style a lot.
you might want to change the 'bones' in either line 12 or 13, purely because the word is repeated so soon it throws it off a bit. also, add the word 'of' before inhibition on the final line.
hope you dont mind suggestions, i only give them if i enjoy something!

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