With reference to your letter dated blah blah blah

about insufferable nuisance in your local public park.

The one about dogs.

Big dogs, little dogs, fluffy dogs, scruffy dogs,

running dogs, spitty dogs, dogs off leads (dogs on leads).

I believe you when you say you feel threatened.

Plus, no one likes to step into a poo.

 

And with reference to your letter dated blah blah blah

about intolerable nuisance in your local public park.

The one about joggers.

Sweaty ones, hairy ones, chubby ones, skinny ones,

ones on their own and ones in threes.

I believe you when you say you feel peeved

that they’re taking up the space on the field.

 

And with reference to your letter dated blah blah blah

about anti-social bother in your local public park.

The one about teens.

Sweary teens, scary teens, skinhead lairy teens,

cider-swilling smoky teens spitting on the grass

in the evening when no one’s on the swings.

You, for one, believe that they have to be restrained

(though you only go the park in the daytime).

 

And with reference to your letter dated blah blah blah

about objectionable nuisance in your local public park.

The one about kids.

Noisy kids, sticky kids, nippers in prams,

toddlers racing on their trikes,

snotty kids, bratty kids, kids with ice creams,

I believe you when you say you feel deafened

but my patience is beginning to be stretched

when you write to say your Sunday’s been wrecked.

 

And with reference to your letter dated blah blah blah

about deplorable nuisance in your local public park.

The one about skaters

skateboards

footballs

cricket bats

model boats                                       

big kites

crisp bags

sun hats

bowling, singing, swinging, bikes,

skriking babies, picnic sites;

why oh why on week upon week

write anonymous letters with depressing little lists?

 

Dear ‘Local Letters’ Regular Contributor (Name withheld),

           you could just stop at home you know.