Once a chap gets into his 60’s there are a few state benefits which start to kick in.  Not your Old Age Pension, of course; I’ll have to wait till I’m 65 for that (YOU YOUNG ‘UNS WON’T GET ONE AT ALL!).  I’m talking about your free bus pass, for example, winter fuel allowance and the one that I write about here – free Bowel Cancer Screening.

For the many of you unfamiliar with this programme you are sent a testing kit and have to stab a turd with a stick on three separate occasions that you take a dump, smear them on a postcard and pop it in the post.

Now, as my worldwide fans know I cannot resist a parody and this function presented too good an opportunity to miss.  Many of my songs on this are still in the baking (as, indeed, were the toilet outputs) and the chords were a bit tricky, so I thought a sneak preview might be worthwhile.

First to occur to me was the Anthony Newley’s 60’s classic,

“What Kind of Stool Am I

That Needs an Extra Shove?

The kind that’s planned to land upon a hand

In latex glove”

 

And following a vindaloo curry the first day’s offering was

“Like a turd that’s on fire

I’m sure they’d want one much drier”

 

I experimented with

“Dumpin’ Jack Flash with its gas, gas, gas”

followed by Paul Young’s

“Wherever I lay my scat that’s my throne”

and seeing as I was sat on the throne, by The King’s

“A little less constipation, a little more action”

As F R David said

“Turds don’t come easy for me”

Chuck Berry seemed to say it for me with

“Up in the morning to force a stool”

(You’ll note I played that on my Fender Crappocaster).

Fans will be aware that I have already added to the pantheons of literature with

“Ring of Fire”

so dispensed with that line of thought.  I also turned my nose up at “shit” which I felt was a little crude and not to everyone’s taste.

Leo Sayer was helpful though,

“When I Need Poo I Hold Out My Hand And I Catch You”

which gives non-testers a little insight into the technique involved.  You’d be right to surmise from this as Buddy said,

“Well I guess it doesn’t splatter anymore”

On the matter of posting my prize,

“Love Letters Straight from your Arse”

was inviting although I half expected it to be

“Returned to Sender”

The possibilities seem endless and I do, indeed, welcome suggestions from WOL posters .

Come and have a go if your’e bard enough.