Stephen Furst 0342 (12/29/2015)

Meeeeeeep

>Hi

What are you doing up?

>Um I am awake.
>That's really the only reason. And me eyes are just sort of making tears for no reason
>so that's sweet.

I am wipe and loving you

>um ok
>How was work

I am drunk. Tracy is a dick.

>Why

Bcuz I had a lot of shots

>Tracy is a dick because you had a lot of shots?

Oh lol Hahahahaha
She's a dick bcuz she has to be a dick every so often

>I guess

She's mad at Raycharles

>Me too.
>Why

Raycharles has "severe pain and hasn't worked in 2 days.

>Well, if fb is to be believed she genuinely might.

Today I got yelled at because I didn't notice the batteries on the Vancouver clock died.
Raycharles was fine until Tracy was in a bad mood. Raycharles was laughing and smiling with me until Tracy wrote her up.

>Hm
>Seems pretty elaborate to make a public cover-up story on fb to justify not being in
>Who knows

Whatever. 
She does this all the time
Just can't use flu 3 times in 2 months.

>Ok

Why are you mad at her

>Her attitude
>Clearly something in her life is making her unhappy. If it's her job she should consider leaving. 
>If it's her lifestyle she should consider changing.
>She seems really tired, and clearly she's used to being or at least feeling like she's the smartest person in the room
>So maybe it's time for a chance of scenery to a life where she's challenged a little more
>This is why we all drink, I assume.
>because this is one of the many reasons I used to drink
>Now I do it out of habit because being flat broke is just my fucking destiny"
>When you get really good at something
>it's hard to be motivated to keep trying.

Yeppppppp. She's unmotivated, careless, and bitter.

>You metagame it and maximize the base requirements with the highest returns
>in the mtrics that matter most to your boss
>and for what is measured in your performance to make yourself appear even more indispensible
>all while other people sort out the things that you can afford to overlook
>done done without much protesting (excused under the pretenses that you do the most work that brings in the most money or sells the most whatever)
>then you start to push your luck and take liberties and extra days off
>(paid time, sometimes, even)
>you start to get increasingly more entitled and develop an exaggerated response to even small inconveniences
>any slight that gets between you and doing the metajob of your design
>then you start to resent having to work at all
>it happened to me at 1st dan in tkd
>and at eecol and at the grocery store and in my writing group
>so it became necessary for me to move out of all of those things

That's exactly what's happening

>I see it every time I look at her face
>the same tired, glazed look of 'yeah it pays the bills but...'
>but how long can she be OK with being the big fish in a small pond?

She hates everything about her life right now.

>and it's up to her to change it.
>Only she can shed her skin.

I also hate everything about this conversation because I would kill to have what she has
I also resent how you talk about her

>Why?

I'm a girl. I get jealous.
Everything about her is seductive and she has this glowing confidence 
and all these people that love her. 
And I just wish I could get away with what she gets away with.

>Know that she's also, what, 7 years older than you?

So?

>Ask yourself: 'Where was I 7 years ago?'
>Learning who you are and who you could be and what you want out of life
>And she's still working ont he last one. We all are.
>The best way to get unjealous of that is to take it off the shelf as impossible
>You earned what you have and where you are. 
>You love people and they love you back
>Look at the last 4 months of your life and look at all the genuine connections you've made with people

Everyone loves Raycharles because she's Raycharles. People only like Stephenfurst because she's cute and ditsy and tries really hard

>You think I fucking test anyone at 4am?
>That sentence is completely ridiculous. People love Raycharles for being Raycharles. 
>People love Stephenfurst for being Stephenfurst
>You're boiling yourself down into qualities forgetting that you're not just the sum of your parts
>Listen,
>There's nothing you can say that will make me stop caring about you.

But John, you don't see how I've been treated my whole life.
People like me for who I'm being in that moment.
Right now I'm ditsy and happy and people like that.
But soon, that'll fade and people will start to see me. 
The real me.
and they'll leave like people always do.

>I haven't left.
>People are shitty. 
>And I'm sick of people I care about wasting so much time and effort on looking
>Looking into the extent to which they are doing shitty things instead of looking 
>at what's important.
>I'm still here and that's all I can guarantee you.

You're here as a friend yeah. 
So thanks for that.

>>>

>ow

What?

>I don't have anything nice to say to that. 

You already know how much I appreciate you. I've told you over a thousand times over.

>yes

You know you're my best friend. That I would probably break entirely if you left my life.
You know very well what you do to me.

>i'm still here

I feel less shitty every day because of you.
But at the same time, I feel a different. layer of awful.

>I know
>I'm sorry

Don't
im just being a selfish asshole right now
Surprise: Im a shit human

>not really

Im done crying for now Night
Im sorry I'm actually such a fucking jerk

>um
>yr not

pretty sure that makes me shit

>not really.
 

i wish you could see what i saw

◄ Long Light City (12/27/2015)

Jack the Chaser (12/30/2015) ►

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