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C-R-A-P World Holidays

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I’m looking for a holiday. 
I’m surfing on the internet. 
I want a little getaway, 
a place I haven’t been yet. 
I hit on this site 
-‘s got lovely colour photos, 
the prices are all right, 
there’s lotsa countries you can go. 
It’s called: Culturerelaxationandadventurepackageworld.com. Culturerelaxationandadventurepackageworld.com 
That’s C-R-A-P-World dot com. 
C-R-A-P 
CRAP WORLD! CRAP WORLD HOLIDAYS! 
CRAP WORLD! CRAP WORLD HOLIDAYS! 

Y’see, I booked myself this guided 
birdwatching tour of Morocco. 
It promised me Bald Ibis 
and the elusive Desert Sparrow. 
But when I get to Souss-Massa 
all I see are plastic bottles 
and heaps of plastic fishing tackle 
floating in the salt marsh puddles. 
There’s flocks of flip-flops, flapping bin-bags 
-the ibis’ are missing, yet 
I see a bird: it’s a Greater Flamingo
…strangled in a fishing net. 
I complain to the rep and he says 
“What did you expect? 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY!”

I thought that one might’ve been a blip 
so next year for comparison 
I book myself a river trip. 
It’s called “Jewels of the Amazon.” 
With hopes of sloths and Blue Macaws 
I board a paddle steamer, 
but when I hear the power saws 
I know I’ve been a dreamer: 
the only forest I can see 
is rows and rows of palm-oil trees. 
There’s biofuel refineries 
and miles and miles of soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
until I have to scream: 
“I’M ON A CRAP WORLD! 
I’M ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
I’M ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY!” 

Well… the next year I’m looking 
for something more cathartic, 
so I sign up for a month long 
cruise around the Arctic. 
I never see a polar bear. 
There’s no ice-bergs anywhere. 
The sea’s a lovely turquoise blue.
The glaciers’ve melted too. 
There’s not a whiff of arctic fox. 
The rep explains the paradox: 
“You tourists oughta stop and think. 
Polar bears’ve gone extinct. 
The jumbo jets that bring you here 
have heated up the atmosphere, 
AND YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD…” 

Actually… he does have a point. 
So this year, to save carbon 
I holiday in a local joint: 
a B&B in Scarborough. 
Sun, sea and… 
deck chairs in Peasholme gardens. 
Fish and chips and John Smith’s beer 
and Yorkshire pud with lard on. 
There’s pretty girls in swim suits 
but something cools my…( ahem)… ardour: 
it’s the sight of the detritus bobbing in the harbour. 
There’s an imbroglio of fishing gear, 
cellophane wrappers, cans of beer, 
nylon rags and oil drums, 
plastic bags and chemical scum. 
There’s toddlers toys and tyres of tractors. 
There’s spent fuel rods from nuclear reactors 
but there’s 
NO birds! 
NO fishes!
NO crustaceans! 
NO molluscs! 
NO cetaceans… 
except a pod of dead dolphins, 
rolling on the ocean. 

And I watch the sun rise in the east 
painting the waves a ruddy hue, 
and it strikes me: travel is now obsolete. 
All that anybody needs to do 
is sit yourself down on any beach 
and all the world’s crap comes washing up to you. 
‘COS IT’S A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOOO-LIIII-DAAAAAAY!

holidaysPollutionclimate changeextinction

◄ No Warning

This bird ►

Comments

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Ged the Poet

Wed 2nd Dec 2015 12:56

This is brilliant Tim.
I will be giggling for hours. I know someone who has booked a few of these holidays and it sounds like the same travel company... just love it when he returns and tell us all about them. I will have a perma-smile next time he does.

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Tim Ellis

Sat 28th Nov 2015 17:17

Thanks Laura. I perform this one bouncing up and down beating on a hand held bongo drum. People seem to enjoy it - I don't know why! I do lots of deep and earnest environmental poems, but it's the silly ones that more often catch the public imagination.

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Laura Taylor

Fri 27th Nov 2015 12:37

I bloody love this - content, rhythm, comedy. Bet it performs brilliantly :)

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Tim Ellis

Wed 25th Nov 2015 10:06

Yes, I know Harry...middle-aged vanity you know - my profile pic is from several years ago sitting in a rainforest. I should have one as I am today, grey and wrinkled - that would sum up the state of the world better!

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Harry O'Neill

Tue 24th Nov 2015 21:58


I don`t mind you telling us that everything is doomed, Tim,
But I wish you wouldn`t do it with such a contentedly happy smile...(you`re supposed to look despairing)

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Stu Buck

Tue 24th Nov 2015 17:26

someone told me once to expect 95% of your book sales to come from gigging. i have achieved peace on this as i gig a bit (and intend to up the ante next year). my main concern was uk distribution from createspace. your partner is very talented. i especially like the fantasy bird cage and family. must be delicate work! thanks for taking the time to let me know.

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Tim Ellis

Tue 24th Nov 2015 16:45

Thanks Stu. My partner Robbie does all my illustrations http://robbieburnsillustration.weebly.com/ I've found Createspace excellent myself. Formatting is a lot of work but once you've done one book and know what you're doing the next is a lot easier. It's a pity it's part of the tax-dodging Amazon empire, but the finished product is good quality, you can make it very affordable to the buyer, it's available all over the world and it costs the author nothing, so I find it hard to resist! I just need people to actually buy my books...

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Stu Buck

Tue 24th Nov 2015 13:35

hello tim. i havent read it but have it in my basket ready for payday. the back cover is gorgeous, who painted that? i'd be interested to hear your feedback on Createspace. ive heard variable things.

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