A LONELY LAMENT

entry picture

The flickering flame

in the dream of your eyes,

is a glimmer of life

in a darkening sky.

 

But little heat remains

to warm the weary hearts

of those so slowly left

bereft and torn apart

 

A chill wind blows a tear

across the cooling fires,

a rain of lasting love falling

softly through life's briars

 

A trickle of silent sorrow

leaving trails on shallow cheeks,

as if from deep within,

a life force slowly leaks.

 

And there in the darkening distance

atop a cold and misty hill,

a solemn shadow now stands watch,

it’s scythe held high and still.

 

A long and lonely vigil

through a hazy starless night,

awaiting the final moment

when a fresh soul takes its flight.

 

 

Written by Darren Scanlon, October 2013.

Revised on 11th May 2015.

©2015 Darren Scanlon. All rights reserved.

deathdeath loss frienddyinglossreapersoul

THE FEATHER ON THE TRIGGER ►

Comments

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Darren Scanlon

Mon 11th May 2015 23:42

Harry, thanks for you comments and suggestions. I see what you are saying but I'll leave it as it is.

D.

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Harry O'Neill

Mon 11th May 2015 23:00

Darren,

I feel that the last three stanzas of this poem would work more effectively on their own.

Assuming this was so (just three stanzas) I think it would
`run`a bit better with the `if` deleted from line three of the shorter set up and the `now` deleted from line seven.

I feel that this would make a good poem excellent.

(the picture fits it well)

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Darren Scanlon

Mon 11th May 2015 16:29

Thanks Michelle.

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Michelle

Mon 11th May 2015 11:18

I really like the feeling in the poem. Being beside someone as they die, waiting for the final moment. A great write. M:)

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