(Co-written with son-in-law-to-be Robert Shersby and based on a superior parody by York poet, Dave Gough)

 

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

 

Little Bastards took my money

Little Bastards thought it funny

If they pulled up all the roses in my plantpots round my home

Little Bastards sweet and chummy

Little Bastards noses runny

As they spay-painted all my paving and they broke up

My garden gnome.

 

Little Bastards, not so little

Little Bastards, snot and spittle

Cans of lager in their fists as they gobbed on the window panes

Little Bastards still as gobby

Little Bastards, scuzzy, slobby

Little Bastards burnt my dustbins and they danced then

Around the flames.

 

Little Bastards, mummy’s darlings

Little Bastards crude and snarling

Made a circle in my garden as they pissed into my pond

Little Bastards, Little Fuckers,

They have took me for a sucker

Though I gave them £6.50 like a softie

I got conned.

 

Little Bastards’ charming greeting

Trousers down and start excreting

Little Bastards, mummy’s darlings, and, of course, they’re not to blame

Little Bastards trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Cos I gave them all my money but got shafted

Just the same.