Scottish stand-up poet Elvis McGonagall has entered the debate about Scottish independence in the runup to the vote with a poem aimed at helping “the indecisive amongst the Scottish electorate to reach a decision on September 18”.

McGonagall said his poem, ‘Stop Yer Swithering Jock!’, channelled “the spirit  of the late, great musical hall legend Sir Harry Lauder … hopefully this considered analysis of all the nuances present in the various arguments for and against will prove to be an aid to those sitting on the fence - or ‘swithering’ as we like to say.”

He said the poem was written for the Bang Said the Gun "page match" word-wrestling extravaganza at the Edinburgh book festival, and advised that it was “best read aloud - loudly - wearing a tartan bunnet and your mother-in-law's kilt”.

 

 

Stop Yer Swithering Jock!

 

Come all youse glaikit farts in a trance

Grasp the thistle - let’s go freelance

Do the Tunnocks tea-cake dance

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Get yersel’ tae the faintheart surgeon

Leap like a Salmond, float like a Sturgeon

Let the flower ‘o Scotland burgeon

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Gie it laldy pal, c’mon big yin

Dinnae shilly-shally, that’s a sin

Open up Pandora’s shortbread tin

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Ignore the media mafiosi

Wee Fat Eck’s no Keyser Soze

The future’s fandabidozee

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Let’s go Nordic - what a braw idea

Build an egalitarian state right here

A flat-pack Scandy “Och Aye-Kea”

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

It’s a modern modus operandi

Read the constitution in 'The Dandy'

We’ll aw get subsidised houghmagandie

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Fair square sausage, better buttery rolls

Free tartan baffies for poor auld souls

World Cup finals full o’ Scottish goals

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

We’re pure dead brilliant Caledonian

Ruled by a bawbag Auld Etonian

Sufferin’ duck! That’s draconian

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

We drink oor voddy wi’ irn’-bru

Oor pandas eat deep-fried bamboo

We’ll swap yon Trident fur a skian-dubh

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Frae the Mull ‘o Galloway tae Ullapool -

A Rabbie Burns unit in every school

Talk aboot gallus hen - that’s well cool

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Whip away grey skies wi’ wan wee wheech

Hello eternal sunshine - goodbye dreich

It’ll be the kipper’s knickers - nae more keech

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Mais oui - nous sommes ecossaise

We’re European pal - no petit anglaise

We’ll dunk oor chips in mayonnaise

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Oh I would walk five hundred miles

For one ‘o Jocky Wilson’s smiles

Wee men in anoraks - that’s oor style

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Golden fish suppers every night

Bairns and biddies as high as a kite

We’ll all burst oot in fairy lights

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Now’s the day we’re gonnae progress

Enough o’ Cameron’s Eton mess

Stand up Scotland - yes, yes, yes!

Stop yer mithering

 

Stop yer dithering

 

Stop yer swithering Jock!

 

Elvis McGonagall