I’m a big fan of Harry Graham and his Ruthless Rhymes, so I’ve written a couple of my own, although he has already written the best ones. Ruthless Rhymes are jewels of black humour and awe-inspiring callousness. Mine are just a bit disturbing, and include an iffy rhyme or two, as is my wont. I hope you like them.

AUNTY PAT

Aunty Pat had a ratskin hat

Together with a ratskin glove.

But nastily she died, ripped apart from the inside

By a rat with a Kalashnikov.

THE TWINS

When both the twins drowned in the lake

Their mama, Belle, swore she would die.

She would have rescued them, but her

French manicure was not yet dry.