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My brother

called you back

from the edge

of death.


But you were

in so much

pain, and you

had suffered enough.


We said good bye,

My Mother, My Sister,

My Brother and I.


We held each

other and we

did cry.


The day that

you left us.

The day

that you died.

lost fathersaddness

◄ The One I Love- 15 word poem

Daddy edited poem ►


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M.C. Newberry

Wed 21st Aug 2013 15:36

Shirley - agree with JC about "did". It has a smack of "ye old English" about it. Difficult to replace - but keeping the overall deep feeling of the piece, I would have gone for something like..."and love saw us cry"...which also maintains "rhythm" in the words.
Best wishes,

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John Coopey

Tue 20th Aug 2013 20:31

Heartfelt and simple Shirley.
If I was being picky I didn't like the "did" in "did cry". It always feels like a spacer to me.
On another level, if this is personal and recent, my condolences.

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