Traces of you

As I sit upon

This empty bed

White cotton frayed

From nights

That punctuate 

This thin veneer

Of wakefulness

I look for traces of you.

alonelifeLove

◄ The Darkening Brume

Traces of you ►

Comments

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Andy Ainsworth

Sat 13th Apr 2013 16:45

Thank you for the comment Cynthia. I absolutely agree with you. It sometimes takes another eye to see it. I'm going to amend it accordingly and repost.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 13th Apr 2013 16:36

It is good, I agree. IMO, with its capturing brevity, take out the word 'the' and the commas. 'From nights that punctuate' has a pushing-forward power diluted by 'from the nights that punctuate'. Small point, but worth considering; I found it a hard lesson myself - scrapping small words from prosy lines to poetry. And it doesn't always apply - just mostly.

And welcome to WOL. It's a great site.

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Yvonne Brunton

Wed 3rd Apr 2013 14:40

great stuff. Poignant. It triggers a ream of questions. Well done.

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Andy Ainsworth

Wed 3rd Apr 2013 12:50

Thank you, Tony. That's very kind

tony sheridan

Wed 3rd Apr 2013 08:17

Short yet powerful. Well done. Take care, Tony.

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