Past time is imprisoned by exposure
to old Kodak colour.
African Marigolds, Antirrhynum
seeping yellow and red,
horizontals on the geometrics
of a manicured lawn.
Straight back round in regimented colour
by ninety degrees,
hugging the military cut, grass square,
beneath a naked bulb.
I remember the sun.
I remember. the sun.
Sat 9th Feb 2013 00:04
If at first you don't succeed and all that.
Fri 8th Feb 2013 18:56
Glad you aren't pissed off with my comments...I blame the medication. : )
I think I had 'triple tautology' as 'Linear', 'time' and 'passing' all being much of a muchness, without adding or elaborating each other as concepts. Call me a liar, but (Sci-fi apart, and I didn't take this as a sic-fi poem) time tends to, hmmm, pass...err, linearly? And, if it don't, then surely that would be one of the points the poem would be making?
You are right about the, hah, 'right angle' though. Forgive me, I was being unconscionably picky.
Go on, 'ave a go at making it a 'aiku. It could be brill!
Fri 8th Feb 2013 18:08
Fri 8th Feb 2013 17:35
John - glad to hear that you've emerged from the tunnel. I welcome your critique, although I find it a bit confusing in places. I can understand your issue with the use of 'linear' in as far as it can be argued that it is unnecessary. However, to describe it as a 'triple tautology' is, I think, misplaced. Linear time as a Newtonian concept is not universally accepted
and I don't see the problem of being explicit about what form of time the poem is operating in. Passing through the ninety degree angles of a square while following its lines is bound to bring you back 'round' to the starting point, not difficult to understand. "Hopelessly mixed metaphors". You'll have to justify that one:) Haiku? You're 'avin' a laff mate.
I enjoyed the crit though;-)
Fri 8th Feb 2013 16:17
Still not sure what 'linear' has got to do with it? Time passes, linearly: sounds like a triple tautology to me.
'Straight back round' clunks a bit for me: is it straight? Is it round? There's nothing 'round' about 90 degrees, that's the corner of a rectangle and, as you say later, is 'square'.
I think there's something rather neat and quite profound here, struggling to emerge from a bunch of hopelessly mixed metaphors.
I suspect, with careful paring, a deft Haiku could emerge.
But, as others have said earlier , 'Hey, what do I know?'
Goodstuff though. Thanks.
Fri 8th Feb 2013 15:57
Some great images in here...I was totally drawn in by the first 2 lines. 'horizontals on the geometrics' - almost onomatopoeiac
'blub' and repetition of 'sun' both give a feeling of aridity, of parched earth.
An interesting choice of subject, and an unusual take
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