Thirlmere in May

Thursday 3rd May 2012 11:21 am

Dark green against light green,

Sylvan swathe to dappled edge,

Olive, gunmetal and indigo,

Rippled mirror to tumultuous sky,

White and cream swirled in azure,

Vaporous canopy to vaulted slope,

Sable and puce marbled by grey,

Splintered crags above shaly screes,

Slate and beige churned with ash,

Parched streaks down umber side,

Sage and viridian stippled with ochre,

Verdant sweep to forest floor,

Lead and silver ebon veined,

Knuckled bark in shadows merge,

With dark green against light green.

Comments

<Deleted User> (6195)

Fri 4th May 2012 16:37

We're trying to do something different, I think. Mine is built up over the 7 parts, and follows (roughly) the form of a Requiem Mass. Yours is a stand alone piece.
I take the point of others commentators about yours, that the palette of words is rich, yet the piece as a whole seems to sidestep a lyrical construction. In my poem I was striving to draw metphor from the lake as part of a narrative, whereas you appear to be trying to translate the experience of viewing it into words. Mine was written several years ago, shortly after the events that sparked it, and was six months in the making. For me to begin re-writing it now would be too artificial a reconstruction I think. Perhaps that's not the case for you? I appreciated your comments, btw! MS

Roy Chetham

Fri 4th May 2012 10:35

Thanks all for your constructive comments.
There is nothing in them I would reject or dispute so during some inspired hour I will do some more work on this one.

Julian (Admin)

Fri 4th May 2012 09:51

This has the makings of a superb poem with its lovely, colourful descriptions. And yet, the lack of rhythmic consistency detracts from its enjoyment, for me anyhow. And yet just a little editing could bring such rhythm as the voluptuous description demands.
The word 'merge' perhaps needs an 's' as it seems to need to be in agreement with 'bark', singular. That said, it is one of only two lines containing verbs, which upsets the lovely flow. Might you consider turning the verbs into adjectives: Sable and puce, grey-marbled, for example?

Glyn Pope

Thu 3rd May 2012 17:17

First reading I thought this guys swallowed a thesaurus. But, because you overdo the language it works.

M.C. Newberry

Thu 3rd May 2012 15:17

Certainly a most descriptive view of its subject, and having been on my share of walks
in such surroundings, the "picture" painted by these words was very familiar.
Tell me...is "ebon" short for "ebony"(black).
Not sure but it seems so to me.
Oh - loved the picture.

Ray Miller

Thu 3rd May 2012 14:01

Well, it's nothing if not descriptive. That's just a slight dig, I enjoyed the language. The length of lines 4, 6 and 11 causes a bit of a bump.

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Thirlmere in May

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