She lies sleeping...
as I pick up my shoes
and make our way
(on tip-toes)
towards the bedroom door.
I pause.
Love like life, peters out.
So with a final look
at what I've left behind
I leave both the gossip
and the theatre
that has been
someone else's past;
someone else's entertainment.
Then something catches my breath
as she gently stirs..
words and foto by T Carroll
Hi Graham: The 'our'in line three is in reference to the 'me and the shoes' (see Yvonne ;o) )Tommy
Tommy this is a really accomplished piece of work. The other grammatical advice is very sound, also are there two of you? As you say make our way? etc.
Back to the piece though, there is just enough of a story here to want me to know more about her/you etc. Great work.
Regards,
Graham
Great ending concealing the outcome Did he? Didn't he? I agree with Laura about the simplicity - this is the poem's strength.
Just a word about 'She lays' I'm not sure if you wanted this americanism which is pervading our language. Standard English is 'she lies' We keep 'lays' for eggs and tables etc. xx
:) quick off the mark our kid! ;D
(there's a surplus 'r' in 'stirrs' on the last line too)
sorted! :o)
Wow - this is another great piece Tommy. I like how it seems to mirror somehow 'He said' but not quite...almost like a parallel universe. Again you have the simplicity, that lends itself as Win says to maximum interpretation.
Not sure you need those hyphens for the 'at what I've left behind' line though.
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Harry O'Neill
Sat 21st Apr 2012 00:07
Tommy,
I take it it`s your `tip toes` that are taking you and the shoes to the bedroom door?
By the way, I love those last two lines.