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(I had aspirations to be the greatest white soul singer of all time.  But Dusty Springfield beat me to it)


I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

It’s a bargain I bought from Ikea in town

Now the bugger’s falling down

I used 2 inch screws

I just don’t know what to do.


I just don’t know what to do with my drawers

They’re made in pine so they matched with my doors

Though instructions came in the flat-pack all of these

Were mostly printed in Chinese

I just sniffed the glue.

I just don’t know what to do.


But I stuck my nose

To the window pane

Now I can’t go back to Ikea

To complain.


I just don’t know what to do with my stool

Why did I buy it?  I feel such a fool

It was missing dowels and it was missing pegs

This one’s only got two legs

The seat’s missing too

I just don’t know what to do.


But as timber goes

It was pretty good

And for sure it makes for

Cracking firewood.


I just don’t know what to do with my bed

“Just fill with water” the salesman had said

But the bloody thing has turned out such a dud

One fag burn’s caused the house to flood

Insurance?  No fear!

I shan’t go back to Ikea.

◄ Live and Let Live

Kushagarnie 2 ►


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Yvonne Brunton

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 00:07

beware the allen key as it has now been rechrisened hexagonal wrench.

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Graham Sherwood

Sat 21st Apr 2012 17:21

John I just wish you were playing up front for THFC. Your current strike rate is fantastic. This is priceless. A bit disappointed you didn't get an Allen Key in there somewhere though, ha ha!! Graham (Keep the faith).

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:31

What song isn't at risk from hilarious depredations at the hands of this inspired source? I think Ms Springfield would have loved this - tho' as a songwriter myself, I can't speak for the author(s) of this big hit. But they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of fair enough.

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winston plowes

Sat 21st Apr 2012 13:28

I think this is your best so far John. A difficult song to sing, let alone play as well. Can't do either. Win

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Mark Mr T Thompson

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:37


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Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:29

:) I just sang along with you and the kids liked it too.

On a serious note - the guitar work was pretty nifty - what a great skill to combine with poetry, I so wish I could play.

I once bought lamps from Ikea. Every time the bulbs went the house lights fused...

I hope you've sorted out your stool problem :) x

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Val Cook

Sat 21st Apr 2012 09:21

Priceless, another brilliant adaptation. I love them John X

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 21st Apr 2012 06:54

I love this John! It's truly wonderful!!! I expect the shelf was called Dorf or Tibalt or something. I love that about Ikea - all their furniture having names. Homebase should call their cupboards things like Gladys and Ethell imo.

<Deleted User> (10123)

Sat 21st Apr 2012 02:30

Hi JC,
A wonderful rendition of a 'Rusty Bedsprings' classic. Much loved and appreciated. chow for now, Nick.

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Greg Freeman

Sat 21st Apr 2012 00:08

Your best yet, John ... and I speak as one who loves the original, and its singer, very much indeed. A truly tragic story.

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Yvonne Brunton

Fri 20th Apr 2012 23:53

Oh my gawd. as an Ikea fan... I loved this.I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes. Hysterics or what?
Rather topical n'est-ce pas old chap?

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