A Lifetime in Tesco

I'll walk across the desert two years and a day

I'll drive down the M4 the opposite way

I'll happily fight with a big pack of wolves

I'll dive head first at some big randy bulls

I'll run around naked in Afghanistan

I'll piss in the hat of a policeman

I'll swing at Joe Pesci with relative ease

I'll even vote Tory if you so please

But whatever the trouble, whatever the strife

I'll never work in Tesco the rest of my life


You can make me walk through the third circle of Hell

You could lock me in dustbins to suffer smell

Put a vice on my balls if you so desire

right 'til my voice goes two octaves higher

I'll never give in and work for no pay

Just 'cause you gave me an MVA

So talk all you want 'cause you ain't getting through

Slave labour is something that I will not do

Wave in my face any stupendous price

I'll never work in Tesco the rest of my life


I'll ride a white horse on the Queen's front lawn

I'll visit Kate Middleton, fuck her 'til dawn

I'll burn all the job centres down to the ground

I'll stand at the gallows and not make a sound

I'll go on the news with a big stupid grin

and rant about what a shit country we're in

that let's our young people be used to abused

and burned at the stake if they should refuse

I'll crawl on my knees from here to East Fife

But I'll never work in Tesco the rest of my life


You can bury my nose in an old man's behind

Torture me 'til I go out of my mind

Beat me within a half inch of my being

Man, I still think there's a point you're not seeing

I'm not gonna help the economy grow

I didn't cause that dilemma y'know

So why should I help them to bail out the banks

by working for free without any thanks

You could cut the tension 'round here with a knife

I'll never work in Tesco the rest of my life


This ain't gonna help us to better ourselves

an entire generation just stacking up shelves

'Cause we had to do just what we're told

and work for no benefits 'til we get old

That's not good enough for me I'm afraid

If I'm gonna work, I want to get paid

So tell these conglomerates to cough up and pay

It's not like they're short of the cash anyway

You could force Amy Childs to be my wife

But I'll never work.................actually, where do i sign?

◄ FONY 2012

Benefit Scrounger (Working Class Hero) ►


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Glyn Pope

Fri 23rd Mar 2012 18:52

I like it. it made me laugh. It appears to be simple, but I for one could never write a poem like this; I wouldn't have the ability. Thanks for the laugh, Jack.
(PS I loathed shopping in Tescos when I lived in the UK. Fortunately I live in France now.)

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M.C. Newberry

Wed 21st Mar 2012 13:47

A scrounger's not for turning
When paid - but not for learning!

<Deleted User> (10123)

Tue 20th Mar 2012 20:36

Look at that Stack Jack! (and from Monty Python this seems appropriate) Now that's the kind of attitude I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage, sitting there on your loathesome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not giving a tinker's cuss for the struggling artiste, with your Tony Jacklin golfclubs and your bleeding colour TV sets, you excrement, you whinning hypocritical toaty, you black-balling bastards, I wouldn't become a (shelf-stacker) freemason if you got down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me. I would really, I'd stand at the back and be very quiet. Get them peasants working for nothing. I know I'm good for nothing. Cheers muchly for great enjoyment with a twist in the tail. Tara Nick.

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Yvonne Brunton

Tue 20th Mar 2012 19:19

Ah well done. Such a good point and I like the style you have employed (ha ha).
Clever change at the end!

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