Left Shiv'rin.

A little more soaked, with each move of the foot,

the legs take the shoes for a walk down the brook.

New pasture, new path, new texture at last

beneath sole for the toes to explore

 

Banks edge, to field hedge

up squelch, and slop, and slip

and slime, as struggle try to climb,

though cannae find a grip.

So, backslide to brookside,

to branch grabbing heave and ho.

Shoulders tighten, senses heighten,

quickened steel and up we go.

 

It's a splat land, dirty river sand, muddy bath, trousers tore.

Shiv'rin, Mis'rin, long walk back, with flappy patch and bottom sore.

◄ But first, through the gate.

White Shadows ►

Comments

Profile image

Graham Eccles

Tue 13th Mar 2012 23:49

Thanks for the feedback Cynthia, i actually agree with you. :) Never one for drafting, usually leave as they come, but in this case, a couple of words removed does help. Thank You.

Profile image

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Fri 17th Feb 2012 14:58

Good mood established and kept, Graham.IMO, the poem would be made stronger by leaving out all articles and conjunctions, letting the sharp progressive images fling us into the struggle.

<Deleted User> (6315)

Thu 16th Feb 2012 23:16


Enjoyed this..reads well as MC says out loud..made me laugh too at the thought :)

Profile image

Graham Eccles

Thu 16th Feb 2012 10:42

Thanks MC. :) There was a couple of verses extra which concluded in my conquering the banks edge and being all smug, but felt it better to finish with being defeated by nature. Was a nice little flow though, and would have liked to carry on for rest of journey, however droplets from above began to mar the pages.

Profile image

Graham Eccles

Thu 16th Feb 2012 10:42

Thanks MC. :) There was a couple of verses extra which concluded in my conquering the banks edge and being all smug, but felt it better to finish with being defeated by nature. Was a nice little flow though, and would have liked to carry on for rest of journey, however droplets from above began to mar the pages.

Profile image

M.C. Newberry

Wed 15th Feb 2012 16:32

I was there with you. How often has any walker
discovered the unwanted result of a misjudged
step or two in vulnerable circumstances?!
I think this would sound good when read aloud.

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message