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Wave

So you're leaving this evening of August

in the silence succeeding sunset,

with the ocean spread open before us 

and our skin superficially wet

from the splutters of sea which come splashing

on this sand which we briefly impress;

in the twilight the first star is flashing,

is it sending out signs of distress?

And is the day drowning or waving?

Has the night come to smooth or to smother?

August evening, my mind misbehaving,

I guess it takes time to recover;

from out of the blue which we bathe in

surface thoughts on the corpse of a lover. 

 

◄ Portrait

The Drug Lunch ►

Comments

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Ray Miller

Tue 13th Dec 2011 20:17

Thanks for your comments. I'd not noticed the slight changes in the rhythm, Isobel.I do methodically edit and revise all my poems so I guess I lose sight of the original drift sometimes.

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Lynn Dye

Tue 13th Dec 2011 20:06

Agree with Dave, I enjoyed this.

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Dave Bradley

Tue 13th Dec 2011 16:35

Any poem which makes one want to re-read it twice slowly has to be a good one.

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Isobel

Mon 12th Dec 2011 20:48

I thought I'd try to do a proper critique but it takes so long - far easier to say 'lovely poem', I think.

I noticed that your 10/9 metre went adrift towards the end - unless it is a type of classical structure I don't know about - which is highly possible since I'm no expert.

I like your use of time honoured poetic tools - assonance, alliteration, rhyme - also the fact that you've so obviously worked on this. It's not a poem that's been just chucked together.

I love the idea of the star that also serves as a distress signal - and the way you convey the implicit sadness of it all.

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Ray Miller

Mon 12th Dec 2011 19:53

Thanks, Steve. Now you mention it I recall that anyone who's ever commented on this thought splinters of sea was rubbish. So I've changed it at last.

some are gonna think that is genius.

Give me the names, the names!

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