TWO GIGGLING GIRLS

by M.C. Newberry

Thursday 27th October 2011 1:25 pm (first posted Monday 24th October 2011 3:26 pm)

Out along a snow-flecked street,

Two giggling girls I chanced to meet;

In play that saw them free from care,

Their breath like smoke upon the air.

Face to face with hands locked fast

They jumped for joy as I walked past.

Bobbing to a silent rhyme,

Taking turns in perfect time.

I've said goodbye to sixty five,

But the youth within me came alive,

And I was minded to delay

My walk and watch those girls at play.

We miss so much as we grow old,

When - truth to tell - we should be bold;

And now each time I walk that street,

Two giggling girls I hope to meet.

Comments

M.C. Newberry

Wed 26th Oct 2011 15:00

What is "up and down" but "bobbing" - so I have
gone with the constructive criticism after all.

M.C. Newberry

Tue 25th Oct 2011 01:27

Thanks Steve. I'm wondering if I should consider using "t'" for those north of Watford!
E.G."Up and down t'silent rhyme" :-))

steve mellor

Mon 24th Oct 2011 17:42

I particularly like poems that tell a simple story, simply (hope that doesn't sound offensive), and thsi does it for me

I'm a little bit like John, and I'd have probably left out the 'to' or the 'a', but then I didn't write it, and I'd probably want to chop somebody's doo-dah's off if they messed around with one of my pieces (none of which are perfect either).

Enjoyed this

M.C. Newberry

Mon 24th Oct 2011 16:07

J.C. - I read and re-read my line before
printing and even considered <"IN" silent rhyme> but it wasn't quite what I sought to say. As a lyricist I "sang" my line to myself and it sounded OK. I hear what you say but nothing's perfect.

John Coopey

Mon 24th Oct 2011 15:56

At best you'll get moved on!
Nice image of "breath like smoke upon the air".
I thought the line "Up and down to a silent rhyme" was a bit awkward rhythmically - it needed a quaver to work.
(Nothing wrong with Quavers, although I prefer Cheesy Puffs)

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