As you sleep

by Rebecca Audra Smith

Saturday 29th January 2011 10:45 pm (first posted Wednesday 26th January 2011 3:40 pm)

I woke in the middle of the night

Slurred with illness cold tickling

My throat; my nose red raw. I saw

your body eloquent as a choir

corpse-still your bones were breathing

singing, the chorus chant sighing through you

orchestra woman. My favourite part:

the string section, its high toned rend

tore my heart in two.

A broken up shadow your body

All dips and shallows, a matrix

A maze, awake you solve the riddle

Your eyes open windows to an answer

Asleep, a puzzle, as fragile as a snake skin

Discarded and left behind while your soul

Stirs dreams in your brain. And the husk of my skin

Broken by my nails, would like

to be discarded as simply

As you sleep, instead my brain a chaos

Muzzling at my body in wakefulness

The pool of your unconscious

Peaceful beside me.

You are a hymn to sleep, I watch

my body, skin and heart united in you.

Comments

Ray Miller

Wed 26th Jan 2011 22:36

It is a very nice poem. As Elaine indicated, corpse-still better than corpse still. I think.
My favourite part
Asleep, a puzzle, as fragile as a snake skin

Worst part, by far
my nose red raw, sore.

You really don't need "sore".

Rachel Bond

Wed 26th Jan 2011 20:39

i really like the ideas of husks and even corpse is right for me, endings and beginnings within one night, during sleep that all sounds good to me, its only the slithering snake bit...
i think its the dark imagery that makes the poem beautiful, so please dont edit it too much x

Elaine Booth

Wed 26th Jan 2011 20:39

I do quite like "corpse-still" as the poem poses the question - where does one go when asleep: the body is left behind, as if dead. For me it wasn't so much the "snake skin" as the "slither". I'd suggest if anything you look at this word as that might be all that's needed. Still, whatever any of us take from your poem has got to be good - it's moved us all, one way or another. I liked it a lot.

Rebecca Audra

Wed 26th Jan 2011 18:54

That's a good point, horror movie moment! I shall definately change it from snake skin to chrysalis. I guess that bit is darker in imagery because I was thinking of the nightmare part of that night, I did think of removing the word 'corpse' from that line also, not sure that fits it either. Hmmm, thanks for the comments!

Rachel Bond

Wed 26th Jan 2011 18:29

'your body eloquent as a choir corpse still your bones were singing'
'you are a hymn to sleep'

there is some gorgeous imagery in here. beautiful words...
the only spoil for me was the soul slithering in the brain and snake husks...i like the idea of sleep as a chrysalis and couples merging and changing together, but the word sliver just mad me think of her brain being eaten out and full of snakes like a bad horror movie was it intended to explain how the writer is feeling?...i mention it cos it spoilt the rest of the read as this image was so strong and had to read it again and miss it out
i do think its an awesome poem still x