Christmas Cook's Lament
(To “Hark The Herald Angels Sing”)
The Christmas pudding’s gone all soggy,
And I’ve burnt the Christmas cake.
The mincemeat’s oozed out of the pies,
It’s all been a big mistake.
The Yule log is one huge joke,
Santa’s sunk into the snow
Upside down – he’s done a bunk,
And the robin, that looks drunk.
I don’t know what we’re to do,
Even the turkey’s got the flu!
The marzipan has set like concrete,
I did the icing in a rush,
Instead of pretty little snow peaks,
It now looks like heaps of slush!
The brussel sprouts have all turned yellow,
The chestnut stuffing’s much too mellow.
There are many small insects
Crawling around in my parsnips.
What can go on the table?
Only the dates are edible.
My Christmas delivery all went wrong,
I ordered ten pounds of potatoes,
They sent ten sacks – I filled my bath with
Two hundred and fifty kilos.
The cat keeps climbing the Christmas tree,
The fairy on top has broken her knee,
The dogs have eaten the chocolate liqueurs,
And now they smell like the sewers.
The fairy lights are on the blink,
Please pour me out another drink!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!