If I was string I’d want you to unwind me If I was spices I’d want you to grind me If I was a contract I’d want you to bind me But I’m a missing cog, a little lost dog – so just find me If I was a kettle I’d want you to boil me If I was a robbery I’d want you to foil me If I was a carpet I’d want you to soil me But I aggravate, I’m a creaking gate – so just oil me If I was a pilchard I’d want you to catch me If I was a cottage I’d want you to thatch me If I was a handbag I’d want you to snatch me But I make you twitch, a niggling itch – so just scratch me If I was money I’d want you to spend me If I was a rule I’d want you to bend me If I was a parcel I’d want you to send me But I’m in the pits, I’m broken in bits – so just mend me If I was a donut I’d want you to fill me If I was Martini I’d want you to chill me If I was a minge I’d want you to Brazil me If I was a squaddie I’d want you to drill me If I was beans I would want you to spill me If I was condemned I’d want you to kill me But I’m yawning, bored, too long ignored – so just thrill me