Shoeless
Standing barefoot the
Cold cuts in upon my soul .
Winter takes my heart
next
I stood there barefoot
Cold cut in upon my soul
Winter took my heart
Comments
Oooh! I like both!
thanks for all the comments and contributions on this effort
I like it - also prefer the present tense - more immediate.
xx
well it is a joke about my feet and i couldnt resist the soul sole joke , and then the rest is a comment on how my poetry is sometimes taken to define my character.which i suppose is reasonable, if that is your only experience of me.
I didn't get the joke till you explained it - now I understand I wouldn't say it was bleak :)
I preferred it in present tense - it adds to the bleak feeling - the past distances you from the feelings.
<Deleted User> (8657)
Sun 14th Nov 2010 22:30
If you titled it "WInter Haikus" I don't see why not. We're all fairly liberal with form these days.
is it still a haiku if you do more than one verse of the form ?
<Deleted User> (8657)
Sun 14th Nov 2010 22:18
Yes it fits form. It's a really cool idea. Maybe you should expand the sentiment into a longer piece.
tried again
seasons, birds, flowers etc yes. I got the shoeless joke! :-) Win. P.S. You could have 'A barefoot footstep' or something like that
well i did think about the joining up thing , and as it was an exercise in trying to do it win i think it does matter , and as for the subject matter being sad ,, its not sad at all ,, its a joke about my name and i heard that you are supposed to include a season
Hi Carole, well traditionally (as far as a haiku in English can be traditional?) it doesn't as there is enjambment between the 1st and 2nd lines. but thats only important if it's important to you. Win X
Well you follow the 5,7,5 syllable structure Shoeless so it is a haiku. I personally don't like split sentences but that is just me - plenty of folk on here use them. I would probably say 'standing there barefoot' or something like that. The other sentences stand well enough on their own.
It is a bleak one but works well.
Je l'aime bien, Carole...
C'est joli, et même un peu triste si on veut...
go on , does it follow form i dont know , i looked at wiki and felt a little pale :)
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Laura Taylor
Tue 16th Nov 2010 10:09
Heh - good one, little witch :)
Another vote for the present tense version