"There's sharks out there !"......
the woman warned.....which was madness,
as we were in a ordinary, busy high street,
on a sunny afternoon.
She was just some woman brushing past,
breath full of sour whisky-
a chilling rattle of cough and spit.
In desperate clinging fashion-
her gaze worn,
she gripped my arm, then with agile sprint leapt out into traffic-
gone beneath wheels and metal.
I stood frozen..as others pushed by
circling the blood, their eyes cold and grey.
Some ideas of brevity, great piece. Win x
"There's sharks out there !"
The woman warned.....which was madness,
In a busy, ordinary, high street.
On a sunny afternoon?
Just some woman brushing past,
breathing sour whisky-
A chilling rattle of cough and spit.
In desperate clinging fashion, gaze worn she gripped my arm
With an agile sprint leapt out into traffic...
Gone beneath wheels and metal.
I stood frozen...
as others pushed by.
Circling the blood, their eyes cold and grey.
Shocking... to the point of despondency.
Contente que tu es revenue... Il faut rester maintenant !
xxx
<Deleted User> (7789)
Mon 4th Oct 2010 19:53
I was confused by 'she gripped my arm, then... leapt...' because I was wondering if she was pulling you out into the road with her, but I assume she let go. Despite this it was a gripping short piece!! (No pun intended).
Me? I think it is perfect as it is - the element of chance encounter, the last desperate communication, the unimaginable act of impulsive suicide - leaving the writer dumb with shock, every sense scarred forever. The title is magnificent.
I cannot believe that you contemplated stopping your writing. What were you thinking!
Good to see you back posting Sian.
The twist at the end is great - it kind of makes your blood curdle and is a great observation. x
Maybe steve is right. Great twist at the end though. An interesting read, keep posting x. Win
rid what you don't need and turn this from a story into a poem
eg
"There's sharks out there !"......
the woman warned.....which was madness,
as we were in a ordinary, busy high street,
on a sunny afternoon.
She was just some woman brushing past,
would work better if...
"There's sharks out there !"......
the woman warned.....which was madness,
as we were in a ordinary, busy high street.
She was just some woman brushing past,
etc etc
Technically the only things that I do not like are the "some" woman and perhaps the omission of an "an" before agile. However for curiosity, tension, irony and observation I think it hits the spot. The writer sounds confused, exactly how one would be. Well done Sian.
Wow, welcome back Sian. I'm going to have to have a closer look at this.
Hello Sian.I think at the moment the poem is too much contained in the opening line and the final two lines, which are powerful. The sprinting out into traffic is also a good idea but I think the rest isn't striking enough. Maybe if you focused more on what dangers lurk within the ordinary, summat like that.
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Chris Dawson
Sun 31st Oct 2010 16:48
Very powerful.
Cx