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The VIP Fast Lane

Hello Michael, Michelle here, are you free?

I understand you need a hand with Covid PPE

We’ve got factories in Hong Kong, Indonesia, and Laos

And if you help us get the contract

We can build a nice new house


It isn’t complicated, just a straightforward import shipment

For the rapid expedition of personal protective equipment 

The kind of gear you need - masks and gowns and stuff

Is easy to procure if you shop around enough


Now, as it’s an emergency we’d better do it fast

With everything in short supply these opportunities won’t last

We obviously have no track record in medical provision

But what you need at times like these are entrepreneurs, and vision


I’ve set up a consortium with my husband and a trust

To safeguard the families’ future in case we all go bust

If you deflect the civil servants and keep them off my back

We’ll charter some containers on the VIP fast track


It’s what I did with Ultimo, remember pants and bras?

Squeezing suppliers tighter so I could buy some yachts and cars

As Businesswoman of the Year my figures were uplifting

I’m the ideal trading partner when support garments need shifting


We can sort the legals quickly, the accounts are all offshore 

200 mill should cover it - unless you need some more?

All the items should be sterile and internationally fire-rated

But other than in lingerie, transparency’s overrated


It’s not a stretch to raise the cash

To make the official order

We’ll jump on it and in a flash

They’ll be ferried to our border

We’ll keep the margins reasonable

30 per cent will do

And if you fulfil your side of the deal

There’ll be a wee something for you


We’re all in this together

It’s the spirit of the age

The only issue’s whether

We get some grief from Sage


For facing the pandemic with non-regulation kit

That the science brands inadequate and the medics say is shit

Otherwise, there’s no downside as far as I can see

In getting sixty million pounds for dodgy PPE


They call my boat the Lady M, I’m the Bosom Baroness

I’ve lifted my life out of poverty and separated myself from stress

It’s what friends are for you see, avoiding tax and pain

Whilst enjoying the exclusive view from the VIP fast lane


Covid lockdowncovid capitalism. covid-19political satirehumour. politics

◄ They Sent Santa to Rwanda

Time Travellers - 1775 ►


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M.C. Newberry

Mon 22nd Jan 2024 13:36

I once suffered a rejcction at the hands of a former PE "name"
when he was editing "The Oldie". But you're right about taking
"The nothing ventured..." attitude. If you don't try, you can't
succeed. It's all subjective and often dictated by legal niceties!

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R A Porter

Mon 22nd Jan 2024 12:34

Belated thanks MC, I took your advice and sent it to them. The rejection was unequivocal and swift, but nothing ventured...!

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 30th Dec 2023 08:16

Clever - the sort of writing that "Private Eye" could use.

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