A prose-poem-song


Sportsfans and transfans may be aware of a recent ruling by rowing’s UK governing body to continue to allow athletes born male to compete in elite women’s races, contrary to the rulings in rugby league and union, cycling and athletics.

Personally, I couldn’t care less if someone wants to self-identify differently from their birth sex, their race or even their species.  It’s their right to do so, just as it’s mine to say it’s all nonsense; and that in 20 years time (or perhaps in only 5) they’ll be saying “What on Earth were we thinking?”.


She isn’t allowed to ruck with the girls

For things are not as they seem

Neither at club and especially not

With the England Red Roses team.


She isn’t permitted to run with the girls

In GB’s Olympian sprints

Since UK Athletics restricted the race

To other traditional bints.


And so too from cycling she found she was barred

To speed round the velodrome track

Cos pressed on the saddle the other girls saw

Not quite a conventional crack.


She’s found her salvation in rowing it seems

Her oars fitting snug in their rowlocks

I think you’ll have managed to guess at the rest

Di diddle di diddle di dee


So she would row, row, row

At the regatta she would row, row, row

No-one could catch her

With her tash and full-face beard

The other women feared

Suspicion grew

She lacked a flue

More evidence appeared.


When she would row, row, row

Two kilometres she would row, row, row, row, row

So it came as no shock

When she pulled out her cock

As she would row, row, row.




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John Coopey

Sun 4th Jun 2023 07:56

I rather like the idea, MC and Uilleam, of self-identifying as Elon Musk. It would give me every right to walk into the Nationwide and take all his money out. Not to mention being able to shag his missus.
And thanks for the Likes, Holden and Clare.

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Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh

Sat 3rd Jun 2023 12:32

...not to mention the cockswains in charge of HMS Britannia.

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 3rd Jun 2023 12:23

Self-identify is fine with me too. I take exception to its dumb
imposition on the reality of the limitations of others' ACTUAL identities. Malice in Blunderland!!

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John Coopey

Thu 1st Jun 2023 13:05

Many thanks, Stephen, Uilleam and Grace.
Yes, Stephen, the reaction at Oxford is hugely disappointing. When I was a student we welcomed contrary challenging opinions as part of intellectual critique. Cancelling them is the first mile on the road to burning books.
“Phallusy” Uilleam. Excellent. I’ll pretend I wrote that.
“The Good Old Days”, Grace. We give our ages away!

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Grace Meadows

Thu 1st Jun 2023 11:03

OMG! what a truly wonderful all round performance John!
I think if Leonard Sachs had read and heard this you would have been signed up for a spot on the Good old days instantly 😂

oh Leonard! ( assuming that you are still with us? )
please bring back that much loved program so that I need not have to get to see the old progs ( but thankfully so ) on Y/Tube

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Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh

Thu 1st Jun 2023 09:45

Thanks for a good belly laugh John.
The triumph of biology over phallusy.
Rowlocks to all that bollocks

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Stephen Gospage

Thu 1st Jun 2023 07:22

Irresistably brilliant and funny, John. (I should keep away from the Oxford Union, though).

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