I'd always been envious of those people who could boast a fashionable "syndrome" or "disorder" to explain behaviour the rest of us would get a clip round the ear from our dads for.  But not any longer.  I too now have my own syndrome - Restless Leg Syndrome or RLS for short.  It's worst for me at night and I can only mitigate against it by sitting up in bed.

 

This old age dream isn’t hard to beat

My knees are stiff so I use Deep Heat

I’ve ill-fitting dentures I can’t chew my meat.

I get bad swelling in my ankles and feet

 

I need a bladder bag so that I might

Get to sleep right through the night.

 

I can’t see the telly and I can’t hear the phone

My only pleasure is to have a good moan

I wear a pad cos my willy leaks

I’ve forgot the past and my future’s bleak

 

I get RLS so I sleep upright

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night

 

I’ve got angina and hypertension

I’ve got a bus pass and I’ve got old age pension

My memory now has started decaying

Now, what was that that I was saying?

 

I just get older, just get balder too

I’ve lost my dentures so now I can’t chew.

 

I moan it’s too hot and I moan I’m too cold

I push in at queues “because I am old”.

I’ve got arthritis and various pains

My leg’s like road map with its varicose veins

 

I get RLS so I sleep upright

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night

 

I piss down my front like men of my age

But still persist in wearing trousers in beige

I park where I like cos I’ve got a blue badge

Our Gert’s got a crust forming over her vag

 

I’m deaf as a post without my hearing aid

My skin has sagged and my hair now has greyed

I’ve lines round my eyes and round my mouth

And other bits are all hanging South.
 

I’ve frozen shoulder and my left leg’s lame

I use a scooter and a zimmer frame.

 

At one time my prick just wouldn’t behave

It stood every morning and it watched me shave

These days there’s only one way it faces

It hangs and it watches me tie my laces

 

I get RLS so I sleep upright

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night