I went to sleep last night

and prayed that I had tears back there to shed.

But there were none to be found.

 

I went to a party yesterday

and prayed for an opportunity to make some conversation.

But there was no thought in my mind,

I felt was worth sharing.

 

I’ve been back in school for a year now

and I prayed for dedication and success.

But there was no goal I could dream up,

that would make me want to get up, and do.

 

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember

and I pray every time I remember to,

that there would be some purpose in all of this.

But I continue to tell myself,

that I would bleed out and die

long before I would leave the mess of myself that I would want to.

 

That there is no emotion I can have,

that would be worth expressing.

 

That there is no thought or opinion I can think up,

that would be worth sharing.

 

That being myself,

means dragging everyone else’s mood down with me.

 

And if I’m just full of bullshit,

then I should hate myself all the more,

for making it true.

 

That I should just want to be dead,

and done with it all.

 

Fuck you.

 

From: me

To: me