i never imagined living to this age 

and maybe that’s why it all feels so surreal 

the younger version of me lost hope so quickly 

i never planned to reach this day 

i don’t want to celebrate 

i don’t want to blow out any candles 

or open any gifts

i want to feel better 

i’m spending the couple nights before i turn twenty relapsing alone in a cold room 

there is nothing about me that’s worth celebrating

this is not a joyful milestone

it’s just a reminder

that this isn’t nor will it ever get better 

my heart broke when i was eight years old 

i lost all faith in life 

my mindset was changed forever 

people are bad, you cannot trust them, the world is bad, i don’t want to be here

i thought it couldn’t get worse 

but then

my heart broke when i was fifteen 

in the room with him, begging god to turn respect my autonomy 

to change the outline of the story

i started praying 

i went to church 

i had a glimmer of hope that life would turn around 

but then

my heart broke when i was eighteen 

a final shatter big enough to shake the world 

i realized life will never get better 

i had no more hope 

i tried to take my life 

and now i’m stuck here 

turning twenty i realize 

this is the final heartbreak 

it cannot get worse than this 

being forced to live when you want to die

earth shattering pain shaking through my limbs 

eight year old elizabeth had so much hope 

and now, twelve years later i realize

it doesn’t get better 

it never will 

so no, 

i don’t want a cake nor do i want presents or a gathering 

i want to spend the day grieving the life that could’ve been, the life that should’ve been 

i’m sorry little lady bug, i couldn’t turn your life around

i promised to try and oh lord did i

i’m sorry people are mean and you can’t trust anyone

i’m sorry you sit near the back wall everywhere you go so you can see everything around you  

i’m sorry you can’t drive without sunglasses and your hair pulled back 

i’m sorry you flinch when someone comes in for a hug 

i'm sorry you can't walk alone 

i'm sorry you can't relax.. ever

i’m sorry you’re not happy 

and i’m so sorry you never will be