One's Crap & PisStory

(Verbal decipher kit at the ready…)


One's horse drawn carriage

Left London one day

Edinburgh bound

But got lost along the way


Ended up in North-East?

Streets filled with shit 

And soot covered peasants

Adorning most of it


In peered through one's window

With coal dust for skin

A ruffian to behold!

With a crooked, toothless grin


"Where's th' gannan, bonny lad?"

With halitosis it offered

And to the fact it had no teeth

Not a jot was it bothered!


"I… I… We… We…"


"I I weewee?

Sounds French t' me

There's ne Froggy shite here

jus' black gold & waarm beer


"If ye lost, ye can come

an' sit by the fire

wi' that mop on ye heed

an' ye fancy attire


"An' if ye wan' a bit scran

there's a dollop o' mashed chetty

It might gan streyte through ye

but, ye can gan on our nettie


"It's just a haowl in the grund

reet out the back

but it'll dee if ye need 

a piss or a crap! "


One did not really know

What the vile mouth did sprout

But for, crap & piss

A common theme, no doubt!


The wretch kept on babbling

Pausing only to fart

Declaring he'd, "follied through"?

So, did, hastily, depart!


I shouted to flee!

And we got on our way

Leaving behind

The smoke & decay 


One was never so pleased

To spy a drunken Jock

Rolling out of a tavern

In his tartan man-frock! 


But, later, in one's mansion

A funny turn did strike me

Such a vile way of speaking

Really, quite unlike me!


What would you like for supper, sir?


One's cook asked me with smiles

But, what escaped from one's mouth

Made her run for miles!


"Mop heed!"


Pardon, Sir?


"Aye, scran!"


Scran, Sir?




Piss, sir!?


"An' crap!"


Piss and crap, Sir?!!


"Froggy shite!"


Froggy shite, sir!!! I...I




I don't


"Aa dinnit!"




"Froggy shite, piss, crap

An' a dollop o' ye best mashed chetty!


"Reet, aaas buggerin' off

t' get me arse

ower that NETTIE!"



One's cook has never recovered (Poor Betty).



Pit yakkerNorth-eastdialectmashed chetty

◄ Prelude to a working day

Something From Hell! ►


<Deleted User> (32907)

Mon 6th Dec 2021 00:20

Brilliant Stephen. Gave one a great laugh! It would make a good comedy sketch. ?

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Stephen Atkinson

Sun 5th Dec 2021 22:47

Ne bother, Ursula, glad th' thowt it was aalreet
one is very pleased you liked it ?

<Deleted User> (32907)

Sun 5th Dec 2021 17:22

That made one laugh so much! Soo good, Stephen. Bravo!

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Stephen Atkinson

Thu 16th Sep 2021 17:47

Twas a lewd affair, Stephen G! ?
It supposed to be an indictment of how certain people view us in the North East. I always remember on holiday, some years ago, a well to do business man from London ( net fortune in the millions, apparently) told me he loved our accent, even though he couldn't understand it, but knew that all we ever talked about was crap & piss! ... and we love mash potatoe !
I'd have been insulted ...if there wasn't just a hint of truth in it ?
Thanks for the comment
And the Likes John & Holden

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Stephen Gospage

Thu 16th Sep 2021 17:12

Invasion of the body snatchers. They will never be the same again!

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