As reluctant as I am to give credence to any story which appears in the Daily Mail, I could not ignore one which popped up on my iPad.

it seems that august and revered body, Stonewall, not content with having got itself in a bit of a dog-knot with LGBTQ....  transgender issues (don’t get me started!) has excelled itself in advice it has given to organisations to enable them to improve their rating on some Mickey Mouse ledger called the Workplace Equality Index.

Now don’t get me wrong, disciples of my wit and wisdom on this site will know my provenance on such matters; quite frankly, whatever anyone chooses to do with their willy or fanny is fine by me, even if they want the one replaced by another. Your prick, your choice.

But to return to Stonewall specifically, it says the word “mother” should be replaced by “parent who has given birth”. Catchy, isn’t it? I assume this is because "mother" offends, well, somebody or other.“Grandmother” presumably becomes “parent who has given birth to a parent who has given birth or is a partner of such a parent”. I particularly like a “parent who has given birth mirroring a child who is capable of giving birth in the future” (like mother, like daughter), “sparent who has given birth” (smother) and “parent who has given birth fucker” - you get the idea.

Now as I said I don’t mind what anyone gets up to. I ought to add “so long as it doesn’t affect me”.  But this does. It is an attempt to control my language. It is accommodating the wallflower sensibilities of a minority to Impose on the majority  and, more importantly, on me.

Billy Connolly says, “If you want to be called Ms ask some other fucker cos I’m not doing it”.

Likewise, include me out.