6 reasons why I can’t sleep with Alexandre

 

His dark skin

Those muscles

And tall stature

 

His broken English

Makes conversations strained

But to me— it doesn’t matter

 

I want to climb him

Like a deep mahogany

Timber ladder

 

‘Tell Rasa I’m single’

He said to his housemate— my buddy Amelia

The thought of him on top of me

Made my body tingle

 

But I just can’t sleep with you Alexandre—and here’s why:

 

1.  You permanently tainted Amelia's sea urchin toilet brush

Why on earth can’t you clean it

After use—be a decent person

And flush?

 

2. Your pimple juice decorates the mirror

Without an after wipe

Amelia is forced to leave post it notes to remind you of bathroom etiquette

As verbally—she's not sure if you’ll get the translation quite right

 

 

3. I hardly knew your girlfriend

But I could see she was a total catch

You didn’t have the courage to break it off

So she did— and was devastated

But you seemed so detached

 

 

4. Then you immediately jumped back on Tinder

It would seem as though—you are always on the prowl

Yet when in a bar— you drink alone— playing poker on your phone

All making for a particularly strange night owl

 

5. When Amelia had a hoarse voice

You joked that she was transgender

Your constant end of unintelligent remarks like this

Make you a serial offender

 

6. But the sea urchin toilet brush

Is really were it sits

I thought that thing was novelty

Now the sight of it makes me feel sick