I’ve planted spuds; I’ve planted peas;
I’ve scrabbled round on hands and knees;
I’ve sprayed against a plague of bugs
But seen them eaten up by slugs;
The seeds had cost me seven quid
Which from the wife I kept well hid;
I’ve had to chuck them in the bin
(At Tesco’s they’re ten pence a tin!)
In light of this my bets I’ve hedged
And gave up cultivating veg;
I sent for plug plants by mail order
To brighten up herbaceous borders;
Phlox and stocks and columbine
Phormiums and cordyline.
I fed the soil and tilled the land
Then left them to God’s gentle hands;
He gave them sun; he gave them rain –
I’m at a loss – I can’t explain,
It made no difference what he tried
These fuckers too just upped and died.
He gave to me this gift instead-
A dandelion and nettle bed.