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Naomi Hefter

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IRONIC.

The last drop of hope was snatched from my heart,
I don't know how to accept that we are offically apart.
 
The words I read, cut through me so cold,
I dreaded to know the truth I knew would be told.
 
My images that once filled my mind are no longer just thoughts,
'cuz what happened was real,your lies I never bought.
 
My black hole now deepened with each lie that comes true,
she was always so close, that much I just knew.
 
My sweetness turned sour, my bitterness so strong,
'cuz with all of our bad times, I still thought I would belong.
 
This nightmare that haunts me and taunts me my pain,
I know in my life Ill never love this way again.
 
You never told me staight if she was just a friend,
but if love has grown there, dont tell me, for Ill never quite mend.
 
My heart is now frozen, no one can come close,
for my heart is now broken, other people's love is no dose.
 
The strongest of arms cant keep me from harm,
the sweetest of man cant make me feel calm.
 
For I am alone and my soul is now steel,
I dont even know where to begin this long lonesome heal.
 
Your love words mean nothing, from the actions you chose,
I can now see so clearly past the end of my nose.
 
Its ironic that I write this, with your choices so raw,
my pain is how yours was, but Ive learnt from before.
 
I dont know why I sent this, and if you love me no more,
these words will mean nothing, like an ex you had before.
 
I pray to the star you gave, that you dont want to replace,
and when you see your strong future, you still see my face.

 

◄ Naomi Hefter

The Sky is finally clear ►

Comments

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Naomi Hefter

Mon 12th Jul 2010 11:01

thank you for your comment Isobel.. yeah, when I wrote it, it wasnt writen in the prop fashion, these words just came out as they were.. but I can see what your saying there :-)

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Isobel

Fri 9th Jul 2010 07:12

I note from your ealier poem that you don't like poet banter on your comments which is fine. I'm hoping you don't mind me offering a little critique though. I like to consider myself a performance poet at times. To me this poem could be made a lot better if you chopped out some syllables or thought of alternative ways of saying things, to make it flow. Sometimes it's just a case of making a few contractions (I would to I'd)

Take for example my slight change to the second verse:

The words I read, cut through me so cold
I dreaded to hear the truth I'd be told.

Also - how about getting rid of the repetition of MY in the third verse, replacing with THE.

With a lot of superfluous words/syllables stripped out to change the flow, I think this could be a stronger poem.

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