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Naomi Hefter

Updated: Fri, 30 Mar 2018 10:54 am

raresteakbondgirl@yahoo.co.uk

www.naomihefter.co.uk

Contact via WOL

Biography

Naomi Hefter is a soon to be published author, poet, blogger and feature writer. Also a 7 year stand up comedian from 2009 - 2016. 2018 is an exciting year for her as she has her first book being published out called HEF OFF, about her experiences in the world of Stand up Comedy, temping in over 100 offices and beating depression. Poetry has always been a passion, with her first written poem aged four called "My Family" ( which was incredibly direct and funny for a four year old ) Over the last few years, some comedy poetry has slipped into her stand up sets, including one about working in an office, which goes down very well with the crowd. But most of her poetry is more personal and has a slightly darker edge, which is her way of releasing other emotions. Like most Stand ups, they have a side that the audience dont see. Hope you enjoy Naomis work.

Samples

THE BITTERNESS OF SINGLETON CITY Being single is shit, in every miniscule way, I even miss the bad stuff in boyfriends, like him farting and pushing my head under the duvet. Weekends are the worst, Sunday mornings together having a snooze, no longer feeling his hard-on from behind, no longer feeling his premature ooze. So I gorge on greasy pizza's, thinking "F*** it, I may as well eat the lot", Im crying out of self pitty, so I reach for some dirty knickers to wipe away the snot. When im horny, I reach for the draw, the rabbit keeps things flowing, Durasel batteries are expensive, but luckily they keep on going and going and going. Single life is shit, ticking that marital status box is a dread, 'cuz now I feel like a spinster, I think Id rather tick that widowed box instead. Dating is a nightmare, they have turned into interviews, quick fire questions, do you fit the criteria? Come on just break the bad news. For my last date was gay, Christ what a night, he was just trying to prove himself straight. He asked me if I had any gay experiances, I asked him and he said " Yes, Ive had eight!" Being single is shit, Friday nights my sheets are no longer wet, Ive started scrolling my phone for names, scraping the barrel of what I could get. But I dont fancy any of them, so all I except is a Facebook poke. Maybe one day Ill feel the weight of a handsome funny young bloke. So for now, its just me , the rabbit and Denzal having a flooze, Im sure one day ill wake up to some premature ooze. RARESTEAK Foods bring good moods, we love when we choose, we never want to lose.. That flavour we savour, he never gave her his Quaver to savour the flavour.. Of cheese, yes please, not S.T.Ds, like Herpes that disease.. We just want to eat our cold meat but keep our warm feet, no we wont skip a beat while we eat our cold meat.. The Quavers are done before we begun, someone had sung from the top of their lungs, while they hung.. Out of a window, they went with the flow with what happened below when they saw a fat Ho with a saggy below but she still shouted Hello.. She wanted that steak without being fake, as she walked down the lake, she thought what to make.. At church with Lurch, they would pray and perch on the bench made of birch.. Then go home, all alone, tried not to moan on the phone and as she sat all alone.. She’ll be OK with her steak, she might make a cake, but then will have to stay awake thinking of steak.. She’ll want it rare cuz she does care, with the flare of rare, never malting hair the on the rare.. steak TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE TWAT If Id have known what I was letting myself in for, Id have begged a smelly homeless man to be my lodger. Instead I moved in with Nathan, a pro cyclist who wore lycra shorts to show off his tiny todger. Then there was Caroline, they wern't a couple, just an odd, opposite pair. Him with his skinny frail body and balding head, her with an Amazonian frame covered in hair. Nathan's voice cut through me like a blunt knife - his monotone Pittsburg accent was so frightfully dull, Carolines, not quite as bad, but I should have known what she'd be like.. coming from a place like Hull. Friday nights, Nathan spent boiling, frying, grating, grilling, chopping, stirring, baking. Caroline's spent f***ing, banging, stripping, sweating, panting, squealing.. and clearly faking. I thought Nathan was gay, as he only bought home men of a certian class, so I listened intently against my wall through the thin rimmed glass. Turned out, he was an Asexual, there was never a peep or tug of a wank. Caroline the opposite, I was kept awake by the sound of her recieving a spank. Mornings were a nightmare, I always got the shower last and the soap would be covered in pubes. Caroline always got in there first, using all the hot water to scrub the old cum from her boobs. Every night Id sit in my room alone 'cuz Nathan would flick through the T.V, rocking in his rocking chair. When he moved out, I played darts into that seat, turns out I have quite a flare. It was all like an episode from the Young ones, ( with out the friendship of Vivian, Neil and Rick ) So dont live with strangers, live with friends, or you could end up with a nymph and a sour dick! Yum Yum. You can burn a photo, but you're left with the memory. You can eat an apple, but you're left with the core. You can abort a baby, but you're left with the scars. You can eat an orange, but you're left with the peel. You can kill a man, but you're left with the wounds. You can eat a chocolate, but you're left with the wrapper. You can cheat on a friend, but you're left with the guilt. You can eat a peach, but you're left with the stone. You can smash up your house, but you're left with the anger. You can eat a chicken, but you're left with the bones. You can have revenge on an enemy, but you're left with the remorse. You can eat a prawn, but you're left with the shells. You can see a loved one die, but you're left with the pain. You can eat a banana, but you're left with the skin. Take all those negative feelings away and you're left with the food. Yum yum. WHEN I SLEPT WITH A GERMAN. I was fed up with English boyfriends, so I ventured elsewhere. As long as he wasn’t Welsh, I really didn’t care. So I went to a club and asked every guy to speak, I wanted an accent, maybe Russian French or Greek! Then from the crowd I saw a sensible looking blonde. This chap was a German, so of course I was fond. He was tall, confident, chiselled and strong. But through my beer goggles I could sense this was all wrong. Remember the dad from the Munsters, the mans name was Herman. They must have been related cuz he looked like the German. This guy was serious yet fun, and loved the thrill of the chase. But unfortunately didn’t understand humor if it hit him in the face. German accents are funny old things, with this T H turned into Ts. And the poor bugger, his Ws were always pronounced as Ds. The passion in the bedroom was always turned up a notch. But he always tried to shove his cock up my ass instead of my crotch! When he came he’d shout “ DIE SCHEISEE HAT DUN!” I don’t know what this means, but I knew he was unloading his gun. We had an intense relationship that fizzled after half a year. His passion overtook mine that much was just clear. My bum was sore and I needed time on my own to rest. Im just good friends with the German now, I think its for the best. HOW VERY DARE YOU!! With bulging breasts and a tiny mini skirt, bubblegum lips and black lashes to flirt. Its easy to judge me as a Bimbo or Fucktart, A girl who’s clearly too self conscious to ever squeeze out a fart. No brain in my skull, and a pony at home, Daddy buys all my clothes while I sit on my throne. Its obvious from face value, its all about looks, my long blonde hair and deep tan, yep, you judge by the books. All I care about are rippling muscles and a wallet that gets bigger. With my 6 inch heels and matching bags, I must me a gold digger!! In fact, the thought of f***ing Ronaldo, oh no, Id rather have a cup of tea! I’d much prefer a poor man who would have more personality. In fact I pooed in front of boyfriends, I let friends paint on my tits. I think footballers and posers are all just stupid Gits! I never want friends called Paris, Krystal or Channel, to hang around the Wags is my worst idea of hell! The few people who look past the fake nails,know Im easily miss-read. They know Im no Wag wanna be, Im just a fruit cake instead. So beautifully insane, so glad to stand out. And with all the F***sticks who dont bother, I certainly wont pout ;-) HOW I WAS, HOW IT IS. Past the expressive eyes you see, lies a solemn soul. Frustrated, no one knows I feel as I slip down my lonely hole. A darkness fell over me once I realised what I had lost. I enjoyed my selfishness far too much, when no one told me there was a cost. Dusty streets, I walk alone, I feel my heavy feet, with my sorry heart that’s split in two, its crushed so cannot beat. Ive heard that love is the only remedy that mends a broken heart. But with no love, only temporary glue, it may still fall apart. The cracks are shown, the pain blocks breath, light can shine no more. All I showed was the destructive me but oh, how I did adore. His strength that is my weakness turns around with heavy strain, ‘cuz before when we were close that time, it was me that gave him pain. To forgive myself before I accept forgiveness will fuel this unhappy time. Ive been fed my Kama, I just want my love, for him to say “Your mine”. IRONIC. The last drop of hope was snatched from my heart, I don't know how to accept that we are offically apart. The words I read, cut through me so cold, I dreaded to know the truth I knew would be told. My images that once filled my mind are no longer just thoughts, 'cuz what happened was real,your lies I never bought. My black hole now deepened with each lie that comes true, she was always so close, that much I just knew. My sweetness turned sour, my bitterness so strong, 'cuz with all of our bad times, I still thought I would belong. This nightmare that haunts me and taunts me my pain, I know in my life Ill never love this way again. You never told me staight if she was just a friend, but if love has grown there, dont tell me, for Ill never quite mend. My heart is now frozen, no one can come close, for my heart is now broken, other people's love is no dose. The strongest of arms cant keep me from harm, the sweetest of man cant make me feel calm. For I am alone and my soul is now steel, I dont even know where to begin this long lonesome heal. Your love words mean nothing, from the actions you chose, I can now see so clearly past the end of my nose. Its ironic that I write this, with your choices so raw, my pain is how yours was, but Ive learnt from before. I dont know why I sent this, and if you love me no more, these words will mean nothing, like an ex you had before. I pray to the star you gave, that you dont want to replace, and when you see your strong future, you still see my face. WINTER LOOMS, MEMORIES LOST. Flakes of snow land in my hair. Nesting like the foam on yesterday’s cappuccino. Cold air breathes around me. Steal scissors slicing my face without a wound to show. Crunching heels, but only two, walk back home from another day’s day dreaming. Dark nights loom and while I sit in the warming glow, frost still surrounds me. Doorbell rings, I still sit in silence. Phone rings, I don’t pick up. Curtains drawn but though the sparkled iced windows I can see the milky moon gazing down. Checking the dented clock you once bought me, I see its way past my bedtime. Another layer of plastic lip gloss to fix my smile, hiding my memories of you. Pink iced lips smile, emerald green eyes remain unspoken. Another day, another dollar, another memory missed. NOT A POEM, JUST A THOUGHT THAT CAME TO ME. With my might, I hide from the light, why would I want to be seen? A glum expression over my obsession, of what is now and what has been. WHEN LOVE IS NO MORE This fire within my soul, melts away the pain. But the ash and smoke still block the air, clouding my thoughts, just leaving me raw. A passion to want to hurt you, push you, scream at you.. but I love you too much.. so I just let it all out inside my skin, holding it all in. Each vain thats filled with my love, is sometimes rained with wrath. But my pride stops me from speaking, while my lust just wont.. stop! You covered me in dirt, while she showered me with grief. And i felt my heart wash away with my words, down the drain. Its not needed anymore.. your not here to love, so I wont need it again. THE INEVITABLE If someone could concur, cuz' for me its a blur, I cried like a baby, I started to go crazy! My freind tried to control me, but nothing he said could console me. I looked inthe mirror, only to discover, I was acting like Nikki from Big Brother! I splashed my face with cold water, I was an erratic daughter, to an Artist and Addict, so it was easy to predict - I'd react with such passionate fear, without him not being so near. My mum thinks I'll die of a stroke, but I died that day when my heart broke. THE SKY IS FINALLY CLEAR. With pride being my weakess, I'd cut my nose off to spite my face, but at the end of the day, it would only be me who falls from Grace. So I walk on by with a Cheshire Cat grin, and now the truth is out its only me who can win. My rose tinted glasses are now fully removed, I've only just realised it was myself that needed to be proved. I had been blinded by love which caused me blurred double vision, I was fighting a losing battle, I was in constant collision. He had the power to break my heart and surround me in a dark hole. He may have dampened my spirits, but he could never take my soul. For the spell has been broken and my love for him is now dead. It's beautifully refreshing knowing the truth than to live each day in dread. He had showered me with lies, but I've now washed them down the drain, he will never cast me permanent winter, for my sky's are clear again. UNTITLED When I ran out of tears, but left with endless smiles to give, I kept them close to my chest, living the life that I live. Every day alone felt like endless time, who knew... people thought I had it all, but I was still waiting for you. You came into my life, fate had intertwined, you felt like a sunrise, it just krept up me from behind. When I looked into your eyes, I knew what I felt inside, but with my scarred heart, my words faught with my pride. Every kiss of your mouth, every touch of your skin, literally fills my heart with love, I cant hold it all in. My body has been drained, the pain has been washed away, all that remains is the love you give me, which grows stronger each day. 2014 That famous saying – if you love them let them go, if they return, they are yours- He is. WHEN DESIRE GREW What started out as desire, we chose to move closer, Times hands got involved and a new existence took over. We fell a little deeper, while our lives ticked on by, Too young to reason, no explanation or understanding why. That inevitable look in your eyes told me what I already knew, While you dance through my thoughts like no other, my interpretation of my love for you. When we are apart in our own worlds, our feelings are pulled and intertwined But as we drift off to the unconsciousness at night, we are filled in each other’s minds Its strange what life throws at you, in this crazy messed up world, I only wish I have met you sooner to show you were mine to who I could. Do people really meet up in the next life that is said is yet to come? If what could be true in our future then I look forward to being The One.

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

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Comments

Big Sal

Sat 20th Jan 2018 14:59

Very funny samples, one of the first times I've actually laughed while reading on here.

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Isobel

Sat 15th Jan 2011 22:31

When you join a public internet forum you have to get used to the odd random twat Naomi. I've found the twat is a subjective concept. Often the people I think are real twats can be quite popular with others and vice versa. Sometimes I start off thinking someone is a twat and then find out they're not - it is just a question of tuning into the right wave length. And then there are the people who you think are your friends only to find out in the due course of time that they are twats or dickheads (let's not be sexist). The best policy is to ignore people you don't get on with - I find that works well for me - though I used to go for the jugular, I don't have the energy any more.

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Naomi Hefter

Sat 15th Jan 2011 22:09

Hi Isobel.there seems to be nasty comments flying around the place.i just had to report some random twat who kept writing nasty things about my work . dont worry about it x

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Isobel

Sat 15th Jan 2011 22:05

I've no idea what all the commotion is about. I just wanted to say that when I made that comment it was a jokey one. I had an ostrich picture up as me. I have no illusions about looking like a WAG - nor would I want to.

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Sat 15th Jan 2011 17:16

how I wish I were a nob like sarah parker,then after giving you my adress you could come round(preferably just as I am putting a thin lardy leg in my jimjams and give me a bloody good going over...just in case...hello I,m Sarah Parker! hey Naomi you wanna do one of your poem type jobs on Parkers kid(FIGHT!)and as for izzy..aw no way is she a WAG-shes more of a...er...smashing Nana mousekori look-alike..this grey n gorgeous git welcomes you.xx(mm thats nice!)

<Deleted User> (8833)

Thu 28th Oct 2010 00:56

Hi Naomi. Well impressed with your poetry, sounds like genuine anger given a comic twist. Brilliant.

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Isobel

Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:32

Welcome to WOL Naomi. I often get mistaken for a footballer's WAG too. I think it has something to do with my neck...
We are very lucky to look like our profile pictures - very many people don't...

<Deleted User> (7075)

Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:26

Hi Naomi, really sorry for the delay in posting but Welcome to WOL and I hope you enjoy the site. You can always enter your poems as blogs which often generates more comments :-) Win

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