Confessions from A Wonderland - At the Edge of All Things
Unexpected friendships at the edge of all things
Here at the edge of my world, where the light and dark meets, lies the confessions of me, a tainted soul... lost in a waking dream
And then there is you 💙 who loves me without having to, without question, without me asking you, you just do, no matter how much I push you away, you don't budge, you just stay standing still, you don't move but rather you hold your arms out to me and say "I will love you if they don't want to" with such a smile on your face, with such a glint in your eyes, like you just won the lottery and its me who is the girl of your dreams...
You just seem to need me, you just seem to see me and you not even scared, you don't even seem concerned for your own sanity, with all my voices in my mind driving me mad inside, but even with all that you still just want me, all fucked in my head and a little rough around the edges but that doesn't really matter to you one bit and that sparks a curiosity within me, drawing my eyes to see things from a very different perspective.
80 years and nothing less is what you said and I was like, "damn... She is actually serious" and I was kinda scared cause no one ever really sticks around for more than 10 minutes and here you want years.
You and your blue eyes really look at me with such a desire, with such a need to have me nearer and every time I stretch your voices it like, "Oh yes, do that again" with a little giggle at the end and it feels really nice to be needed.
Even after all my broken nights you stayed on the other end of the line, talking me through it, with every tear I painfully cried, you told me to hold on, with every broken piece that fell through my hands, you kept telling me they worth picking up again and with every moment I spent broken over someone else, from a love you said was not meant to hurt, you still didn't move, you just said, "get up, you worth more than this" even with all my torment within me, you never flinched, you just smiled and said ... "Have you learnt your lessons yet?" and I was like damn, this girl is relentless. You didn't give up on me, you never told me gently to stop my shit, always giving it to me straight when I was fucking up and of my life making an utter mess, but every word is what I needed that you said to me, like a voice of reason, like the friend you knew I needed, but then I started to notice when you look at me, in your eyes it was more than friends you wish too be, with a naughty grin I'm left completely shy to your charming charm, sometimes leaving me flabbergasted.
Yet you don't know of my darkness, but you don't seem to notice it at all, you don't seem worried about the broken pieces of my soul, you just look at them like pieces of jewels you want to hold, like they are priceless pieces of art, even when I'm falling apart... yet I do see how you hate it when I am hurting, I have noticed the fury in your voice when you hear my doubt of myself sinks in and my morbid mindset comes to steal the life from me, I see you hate those demons of mine that seem to linger too close to my mind, wanting me to bleed by the blade so kind, even when I was on the verge of suicidal rage, you talked me down, you got me to stay and oh I've noticed how you hate that I hate myself, but in my sorrow you told me, "don't let go, we'll get through this darkness... Together" and then you promised and once again I was terrified cause you have no idea how many others have promised me the same thing before, how many others have held open that door and how so many have looked into my soul and have utterly crashed and burned from what they've seen. Oh my dear, you have no idea what hides within my mind, what I see with my waking eyes and how the world has torn me apart with its filthy touch as an innocent child. You don't know the horrors that's happened behind closed door by the ones closest to you, from the ones you'd expect would protect you, who swore an hyrocractic oath but rather they fucked you instead. Oh my dear, the torment that rages within me comes beyond a world of roses and sunshine, like the world you are from. Never knowing harm like I've known, you've never felt the touch of filthy skin, crawling deep within, driving you insane with a reality made to believe were just dreams, no! you've never experienced what I have and that makes me feel unprepared, unaware and a little cautiously curious cause I've been ruined by the love of so many before this, and I don't want to see someone else I care for leave me behind like they all did.
But, you... You see me differently, when you look at me you see passed the horrors behind my eyes, you don't even notice my ghost standing right by my side, like the sunshine from your world makes you immune to the darkness of mine, its so strange to see, it's an unusual experience having you in my life, but it's an unusual nice. No matter how dark I become, you only see my light,
Since you came around it feels like I'm standing at the edge of my darkened realms, looking into a world of sunshine and roses and I'm curious to see what lies beyond the horizon, but I'm paralysed by the sun, concerned you'll see all the mutilating scars in the pure day light, that you'll see the scratches, the bruises and the slashes from the blades of torment, oh no, your world will reveal all that I am within an instant and that leaves me unsettled, so I cannot leave from where I am, but I stand at the edge of it all, with hope in my soul, with a smile inside my suffocating eyes, with the joy that I have met a friend at the far edges of my Wonderland, where my darkness meets the light, and I roam freely from the pains of my life, not exposed to sight, still hidden safely within the shadows, completely free from my horrors.
There in my Wonderland you found me, wandering the realms of my forgotten dreams, lost within the in-betweens, yes there you found me, hurting from my wounds, singing the words of a sad song, while humming the tune softly within my soul, as I carefully step over broken stones and innocently picking flowers in the field's of this dawn, wandering alone, hiding from the world, yes, you found me there, so unexpected, Here at the edge of my Wonderland is where we made friends, you the untainted free spirited and me the damaged demented,... imagine that friendship?
You so free in you who are, you have no darkness that lingers in your world, suffocating your soul, no voices driving you mad from within, no deceptive anxiety, no horrors from your terrifying dreams, no. You are free of this corrupted morbid spectrum of existence and that is so refreshing to see. Here at the edge of my Wonderland and the borders of your sunshine you reached out to me, like you came looking for something beautiful but instead found me, I was too wounded when you stumbled upon my hidden path of destruction, but not for a moment did I expect to be found at the edge of my life, where the darkness meets my light and where beautiful flowers grow wild in the fields of this dawn, and here at the edge of my world when you found me roaming alone, you stop and noticed my soul wounded but with a "hello, do I know you from somewhere?" giving me a smile that was friendly, I looked at you suspiciously thinking you must have me mistaken for someone completely different, and you did, but you didn't care, you stuck around and a beautiful friendship began to bloom, a connection I never excepted took roots...
Now here we are, you at the edge of my world, loving me from a far, right where we are, here at the edge of my Wonderland, yet still miles apart, here you are, falling for a tainted soul, with so many scars, yet you call me special, you tell me I'm home and I don't know why cause I'm nowhere near what you think me to be, nothing more special than the next broken soul, but here you are, looking at me like I'm gold, like I'm a diamond you would never sell, like an unsung song that could change your world, but to me, I'm too blinded to see what you do. To me, I'm just a tainted soul lost in her Wonderland, tormented, beaten and damaged, fighting her suicidal rampage, fighting her way to sanity, fighting to breathe again, without the pain of not having a breath of fresh air to breathe anymore, losing herself to find her way back home, lost amongst the stars, broken by the horrors of my past, yes, I'm just a tainted soul that you somehow fell in love with during the darkness of my nights, with open eyes, when you were on the other end of the line, talking me down from my brokenhearted tears, telling me I'm better than this, never forgetting to remind me to pick up my pieces, no matter how scattered they may have been, you wouldn't let me forget that every bit of me was worth it and if it wasn't for you, this world might have never seen me again,... so for that, I want to say thank you, thank you for never giving up on me, even when I so easily gave up on myself, you took my hand and said... "come, let's keep moving, even without them" and despite how hard it was, you loved me through my darkest parts, and I will never forget you for that, I will always be grateful for your sunlight and a piece of my heart will always be yours, as well as a place in my world, where your borders meets the edge of my Wonderland, where your sunlight and my darkness bring forth the light of the hidden dawn. There,... where our friendship began, there where you happened to stumble upon my brokenness, there, lost in a waking dream is where you will find me again, skipping over broken stones, still singing that tragic love song, with a lullaby that will never escapes your soul still safely hidden from the world, there where you came to love me, without me asking you, without you having to, where you just do, even when I gave you more enough reasons not to. There at the edge of the field's of dawn is where our friendships sparked into existence... So unexpected, so needed and so appreciated... Yet you think I don't care for you in return, you think I don't notice your soul, that I don't see you, but I do, even though we world's apart, separated by life, I still see you where my darkness meets your sunlight,...there, Is where I see the pieces of your own heart and with my eyes open I see more than you realise, here at the edge of the dawn, with your help is where I found a piece of myself again, where hope came telling me to keep on believing, where you showed up and showed me a different side of my Wonderland, a place I didn't realised existed, and here at the edge of it all you gave me a piece of your soul and said " here, keep it, it's yours" and I noticed this cause no one ever wanted me to hold a piece of them safe within my darkness and all you wanted in return is that I don't let go of your hand when I take you through my Wonderland, wanting to explore the dark parts of what I keep hidden, stolen moments we steal as no one is looking and the voices don't hear, when they fall asleep, there on the streets of who we are is where you said "don't let go, I'm scared" and I smiled cause my nightmares know I'm here and they more afraid of me than me of them and you look at me like I've lost my mind but you don't budge, you just keep holding on, not wanting to lose me for a moment in time and I smile cause no one has ever braved my Wonderland this far in. Even though you were terrified of what lurks deep within my nights, you didn't care, just as long as
I was there, leading you carefully back through to where the light and dark meets, where you need your sunshine, where the impossible happened in the fields of dawn, where this tainted soul made a friend in you and there for some reason you came to love me, without needing to, without me asking you, without question, you just do and that my dear, has changed something deep within my soul, reawakening a piece of me sleeping within ...here at the edge of all things 💙... Where the light and darkness meet 💜 and unexpected friendship sparked into existence ...