Richard Tyler

Biography

I started to have a go at writing poetry for the first time last summer, taking inspiration from my son. It's challenging but very enjoyable at the same time. It would be nice to hear any constructive feedback. Cheers Rick

Climate Change

Forget about Brexit and HS2 Climate change is the story that’s relevant to me and you Take a step back Globalisation and consumerism is taking all Time to stand tall, the masses to rise World leaders failing, well that’s no surprise Cheap shots at the poor whilst carbon footprints of the few soar Nice and secure Sat cosy and alone in the 4x4 How about shank’s pony for a trip or two Burn fuel, don’t care Just so happens that we share the same air It’s all on TV for folk to see Culling of the trees Seas and calories are rising The natural world struggling to eat To find a habitat to retreat The orangutan squaring up to man’s machine Never seen anything quite so obscene Water drains for the fast fashion chains Thousands of litres for your cheap throwaway T Equates to hundreds of days supping for me and thee Never mind the toxic chemicals making their way into the sea Ultimately landing on your table for tea Ignorance is bliss Order of the day for far too many Time to engage and have some debate Need to act quickly before it’s too late Do not be surprised when the masses have arrived Moved on by the worlds greed Not taking heed Do not deny the youth of today How selfish were you I hear them say Share the truth and facts A*s won’t lead anywhere on a planet stripped bare Let them create and innovate They’re already stepping up to the plate

North South Divide

Not sure where you draw the line But I know upon which side I shall always reside Not where Westminster rules and leans to one side For the most part a boring flat terrain Leaves little impression on the brain You say Baath and we say BATH Jellied Eels, now you’re having a laugh You say dinner and we say tea Always chip balms, mushy peas….. gravy, gravy all day long for me Social mobility, well and truly on its knees The movement of travel often this way Re-defining the line day by day Priced out of your own backyard That’s criminal, I hear you say Northerners more than happy to stay Unlike the brain drain of yesterday Do not fear it’s friendly up here Plus we serve no flat beer A place where folk like to stop and talk A helping hand on the way Rather than a look the other way Cross that line for majestic peaks Titles galore and lakes to adore A strong resistance to conform Trend setting is the norm Where innovation and creativity abound A certain swagger within our DNA The Mancunian Way Dialects to confuse, humour to amuse Grey slate skies, never a surprise Music makers, trophy collectors Don’t be put out It’s just the way we do it Re-inventing ourselves is the order of the day At the forefront of new beginnings Forever leading the way

Mad Hatters

The never ending A6 meanders through Splitting this historic town in two The origin of the River Mersey that passes by On its way to Liverpool Bay The great Fred Perry hails from here Love to take strolls down his Way The king of tennis in his heyday His label to wear on a nice summer’s day The Stockport Plaza An Art Deco building of such delight Looks fantastic when it’s lit up at night Home to our Blossoms that pack them in tight L.S. Lowry came to paint Joy Division recorded Unknown Pleasures from here Robinson’s still brew our beer Be warned drinking Old Tom will send you a tad queer Hopes Carr recalls a tragedy The fatal air disaster of 67 That sent far too many up to heaven Famous for hat making of yesteryear Working with mercury not a good idea We’ve got Air Raid Shelters to protect the many Viaduct arches that still stand tall A market place that’s fit to grace A pyramid that looks out of place Brinnington and Bridge Hall Somewhat of a contrast to Bramhall! The recent piece of history that resonates the most with me Are the Hatters beating Citeh

The Great Outdoors

Buds on the trees is the bees knees Winter sun, most definitely Come on my son, oh yes please First blasts of warmth taking away the edge Making the most of what comes our way Extremities warming, hip hip hooray The crunch underfoot on a crisp sunlit winter’s day Early starts, light nights, no coat required such a delight The smell of cut grass mixed in with rain A field full of wheat, sunflowers a treat Trees shaped by wind catch the eye Along with those self-seeded nestling up high Vapour lines momentarily adorn the skyline Conspicuous shapes hover in clouds above Everlasting coastal panorama soothes the soul Shimmering beauty and tranquillity Time stands still for a while Followed by immense crashing waves mile after mile Salty fresh air everywhere Industrial red brick cannot compare The beat of rounded pebbles shuffling up and down Majestic, eternal oceans Underestimate and they will take you away A timely reminder of how pint sized we are Nature the strongest by far

Anxiety

On high alert Motionless on the line Anticipation will not go away Insecurity could eat me alive Hoping it’s not here to stay Mind won’t stop buzzing Active all the day Fighting thoughts of despair Butterflies in belly not drifting in the air Tensing up all over Breathings everywhere Round and round in circles Blind panic in the air Master of avoidance You would never know Duck and dive to survive and keep the fear at bay Reaching out to others who understand and care Searching for escape Just get me out of here Drained by it all No interest in me or you You say you are knackered But do not have a clue Evolving over time, more accepting of it all The pathways I have chosen defining who I am Anchored no longer like a dead weight Taking back control of my own fate Must keep on going, this is what we do Fighting all the way Improving day by day Self-doubt and fear slowly disappear Head space is arising as dark clouds fade away

The Things We Say

Mither is trouble Mint is ace Buzzin’, bangin’ and avin’ it large Bobbins when it’s shite Who stuck 50p in you? Put that look on your boat race Going for a burton is to fall flat on your arse The great northern powerhouse Nah, that’s a fucking farce He’s my cock Nowt funny going on I promise I’ve always been straight He’s just me mate Bang on, well that’s just right You’re tight as a gnat’s chuff When you won’t lend us a squid To cadge to borrow I’ll cough up tomorrow Do you wanna chuddy? Nah mate I’m starvin’ marvin Gagging for summat to eat Stop scrikin soft lad Peckin me ‘ead you are Swear down, I’ll sort it It will all be sound as a pound Shank’s pony is to get about on two feet End of me tether grafting to make ends meet I’m goosed and can no longer be arsed Zero hours A modern day scandal of ours

S-J

The sun shines on the righteous so they say Often on your birthday this wondrous star beats down all day 51 this year……… no way I hear you say You can take at least a decade away Daughter, mother, partner and friend to so many Warm hearted and generous as can be Blackpool’s finest, slowly being drawn back to the sea Be warned though, get chatting and you may miss your tea Quick witted and a sound judge of character Can put you in your place with ease Has a penchant for a jacket or two But would never put herself before me and you An animal lover from the start Bestowed her heart to Suki, Archie, and now Hetty Bear to name a few Not bothered about travel overseas Happy to enjoy days here and misplace some keys Always time for others, loyal, loving and kind No wonder there are countless friends that form queues Imelda Marcos could not hoard as many shoes No longer a pint of Guinness in hand Nowadays loves a cappuccino, sherry and brews A nice little potter in somewhere like Stringers will do Unable to resist a card, an accessory or two Sharp eye for style and interior design Flair and elegance from this girl of mine Now always remember that the sun shines on the righteous And the dream of that mini may one day come true

Our Kid

He’s a good lad our kid One of the best around Sound as a pound for sure he is Challenging oneself along the way Looking out for others, leading the way Making a difference to so many Within community and further afield Has footie in his soul, just like me, now the Loons….always M.U.F.C. Mentor, educator and much, much, more Sees the bigger picture Not a closed door Loyal and veggie to the core Taking time out for you and me Making the effort How it should be Chasing currency not a priority Pay days loaded in acres of other ways Strong morals aplenty, respected by crowds Someone to look up to Make you feel proud Good for a laugh and a top, top brother He’s alright our kid, a very good lad indeed.

The Great British Isles

Back in the day We ruled over a worldwide empire Exporting our place names around the globe The best of which to remain at home In Old Blighty as it likes to be known Slack Bottom, Cock Heads and Greedy Gut They had to be in Yorkshire There’s Moor Cock in Lancashire Shitterton They do down in Dorset Sandy Balls if you live in the New Forrest What is it with our rear ends We’ve got them here, there and everywhere Welcome to The Devils Arse Happy Bottom Scratchy Bottom A Six Mile and Rotten Bottom Boggy Bottom Back Passage Loose and Galloping Bottom to name but a few From Bell End and Knob’s Crook To Cockfosters Thong Lane Not to mention Brown Willy I know it’s juvenile and very silly But giggle away I do Cockshoot Close Fanny Hands Lane and Titty Hill Are all favourites of mine Beavis and Butt-head would be in their element here But probably best to leave it there In these weird and wonderful isles of ours

Sergeant Wilko

That girl who’s privileged to sit next to me Apparently descends from the town of Edgeley Spanning from Stockport to North Dakota, the USA Characters aplenty that know their way Where it’s obligatory to mooch with pasty in hand Bob in the Pineapple for a pint and a fight Keep the pan lids shtum with a sausage roll Check out Home Bargains where the prices are just right But maybe she’s a native of elsewhere Never been seen with can and fake tan Wasn’t a Nan at a tender young age Or mouthing off on Castle Street as if on stage Don’t you know she goes by the name of Sergeant Wilko Elephant steps give her away Ten to the dozen, likes to have her say Full of energy she brightens up our day Loves to plan nights out, a foreign trip or two Always on the go, a busy little bee Sourcing bargains to keep a happy family Fergie’s hairdryer has nowt on Wilko Cross her path and you’ll get Wilkos’s wrath Gin, wine, cocktails……whatever, a pint or two will do She’s Burger King-Queen by the end of the night Asleep on the last train with a coffee and straw Oh well, it’s better than ending up on the floor Ed-ger-ley, Ed-ger-ley, she’s the famous Sergeant Wilko and she comes from Ed-ger-ley 

Coffee Lovin' Commuters

Roasted and blended to suit your needs Those beans just a seed From cherries and berries Coffee trees rooted from afar The Middle East the birthplace of your cup of Joe A detour to Starbucks & co For your coffee on the go Tax dodgers in every town To provide your morning glow Coffee loving junkies They’re consuming everywhere Habits to feed Craves to cure Keeping withdrawal away Hook up to a drip That would keep it at bay Rocking up, cup in hand Transported like an accessory That turgid modern look For the cool kids in town People on the go Why you even bother That I’ll never know So tell me what’s all the fuss? Room 101 this scene I mean, what’s wrong with a proper bean Those packed with protein That get you tooting all the way To drink, I’ll have A nice cuppa Yorkshire Tea That will do nicely for me

One man and his dog

Loves a puff he does Blowing out those tunes Addicted to the Sax Having dropped the ‘E’ Makes sense totally As the old sausage starts to go droopy Good with numbers Got commercial know how this fella Has made some decent dough A perfectionist I’ll have you know Solitary soul at times Climbing those peaks Dylan close by Wainwright an idol Number 214 will be the final Be warned if you visit for lunch Do not crunch celery In fact make any noisy sound Or else a filthy look will come around Grandad soon to be Will he be legendary? Perhaps running with the pram Towing bairn on a bike ride Hiking fells for fresh air Whatever it will be Be sure to keep him away from Citeh

So many vivid memories

Heartbreak in 79 When Alan Sunderland’s tap in crossed the line Would have won it as well in extra time Those were the days my friend Stood on the Stretford End United Road The Scoreboard Paddock too They’ve all been home to me Walking down the Warwick Road with my family The Bishops Blaise and Lou Macari’s chippy All etched in memory Lacoste, Fila and Sergio Tacchini Fred Perry the Stockport legend for me Listening on transistor radio Simple delights Picking up the Pink Final on Saturday nights Barca in 84 Relentless Robbo answering the roar Not even Maradona adroit enough to open our door In Rotterdam it was Hughsie at the double Sending us delirious Singing and dancing in the rain Ear-splitting atmospheres The Replay of 85 Kippax split in two A bona fide half-and-half Lock outs Sell outs Jibbing it away Where are you from I heard that copper say Bragging rights Euro nights Street fights for some Red Army roar Concilio et Labore Blaggers and sellers Heydays and Derby days Following the boys from afar Reccies to find a decent bar Bitter rivals down the M62 Scouser’s in white suits Floodlights and pyrotechnics illuminate night sky Match day beliefs Betting and boozing Pin badges and programmes Last minute winners Semis at Villa Park The ecstasy of winning Moody and mardy in defeat Friendships made Memories that will last forever Did some City aways in teenage days Now the neighbours have won the lottery Cannot deny those mates of mine They followed home and away Many a comedy day Even lost twice to Stockport County along the way The quality nowadays is there for all to see But the soul has faded Little originality The gulf in riches mirroring society Now it’s about the freedom of watching FC Playing the likes of Alty Saturdays at 3pm A sense of community and camaraderie Thousands of hours worked voluntarily Fan ownership leading the way Making friends not millionaires Come and see This gig belongs to you and me Two United’s but the soul is one As the Busby Babes carry on

Just Desserts

Something mum likes to do Is to bake cakes for me and you The renowned Mary Berry Could learn a thing or two Desserts to die for A constant supply landing at our door Keep it arriving I say The gannets can munch more Waist sizes now starting to soar Whatever it should be Baked to perfection The same exceptional quality Delish and so very moreish Mouth-watering texture Flavour to savour Grandkids now mastering the odd recipe Wonder what it will be today? We’ve had them all along the way Apple Pie with custard or ice cream Make the perfect dream team Scones with jam and cream A banana loaf maybe Victoria Sponge definitely Apple cake nice and moist Lemon Drizzle fires up taste buds Carrot and Dundee cakes Brownies for trips away Coffee and Rock cakes They all have their day The big guns reserved for special occasions Chocolate cake at Christmas Pavlova, simply the best Finest of all The crème de la crème One we all do battle over As a wheeler dealer at heart Equipped to sniff out an opportunity I could flog a ton load of these Soon I’d be minted Retired on the proceeds Living by the sea In a swish new property

Entitled Nation

Far and wide Entitlement An outlook chosen by some Pathetic nation we’ve fast become Lazy minds and feet Desiring all At one’s disposal Direct to door No value anymore Spoilt rotten to the core Go spare if taps run dry Strip shelves bare Can’t make do Ends meet Bleat at any opportunity Detached from reality Narcissistic Fractious society Not even at the wrong end of austerity Contrast the masses Swarms of fiscal casualties Manipulated Condemned Guided to the Gig Economy Wheels of industry that mustn’t slow Profits to grow Greed to feed Shareholders to please Markets to tease

Mirlees Fields

I hear the odd train passing Notice that planes are no longer the background noise The sound of birds flapping and chirping amplified Dominating the skyline once more Close eyes to listen to the rustling and swaying trees Such a cool sound indeed Butterflies bob and weave overhead Stillness unknown before Suddenly thoughts halted by the sirens that whiz by Can see a family flying a kite Father and son talk on a stroll Pram pushers, bike riders and tree climbers Kids with a ball Takes me back to a game of one touch with my mate Paul The clearest of blue skies Not a vapour trail to be seen Hornets, at least I think they are that hover close by People with time Chin-wagging away At a safe distance I hasten to say 'How you diddling' the introduction of choice Then 'lovely to see you guys' signals farewell Getting used to having no routine A time to pause, reflect and reconnect Be thankful for all we have What others do Hats off to them all for standing so tall Appreciating the important things that are here to stay Simplicity the way

Hanging Poo Bags Of Babylon

Hanging from branches and posts Not sure what disgusts us the most That glamorous granny we pass everyday Nods and smiles our way Pink Chanel tracksuit on display Walking her diamond collared pooch On a lovely summers day She must have a few quid stashed away Maybe they're a sign Like trainers dangling from a line We're sure she's committing a crime Dealing the latest gear Topping up her pension for her final year

Why?

You take all the green space Chop down the trees Bringing this glorious planet to its knees Feed us pollutants Corruption and lies For profit and greed Without thought or care Fills me with utter despair Non believers carry on Apathy and ignorance their number one As the heat ramps up Change is too slow But why? Not thought that great grandkids are going to fry and die Have to fight wars over water and food You’ll be gone pretty soon But what about those that follow? Carry on and they’ll be no tomorrow

It is what it is

It is what it is We are where we are Make of it Whatever you wish From what I can see It’s far from pretty “Another fine mess” As the big man would say Lacking credibility Ignorant of reality Leaving behind a hideous legacy Swooping lower than a snake’s belly Seen your slug like mush on the telly An utter disgrace Oh, how I’d love to wipe that smirk of your face Reactionary Not visionary No coherent plan for long term recovery Voices that ring hollow Adversity waits for those that follow Sitting on the fence Shame of blaming others Slope off when it suits Having filled your boots Not brave nor bold Instead you sold Our Crown Jewels down the swanny Left beholden to others Dancing to new tunes A laughing stock we are From near to afar

We're having a flutter

Having a flutter........ Gambling A mugs game so they say It’s everywhere Slap bang in yer face Tactics to lure What a disgrace Advertising on footy shirts Get in the minds of our youth We need to educate the truth Seen it all now Dafabet, Manbetx, Fun88 and Sportspea An industry gone totally crazy Meanwhile Over at Bet365 A 40 million dividend has arrived No longer just fruit machines, the gee-gees and spot the ball You can fill your boots online in no time at all Love the buzz of beating the bookie Winning or losing a few bob along the way However, an ugly scene it can be Gambling addiction a tragedy Lives spiralling out of control Shame and anguish take hold All consuming Caught in a trap No way to turn off the tap A mugs game so they say The devil for some Taking the light away

Urban Vandals

Going Going Gone Urban vandals On the rampage Relentlessly Carry on Tear it up Replace Remove that vile turf Something solid in its’ place Start all over again Don’t you know Life’s too busy to tend flowers, sweep leaves and mow Such a shame All looks the god damn same Not a dandelion or buttercup in view Makes me want to spew Fuck the birds and bees All they done for you Need to cram on another car Concrete growth gone too far Nowt left to soak up the rain Floods at it again Green is not the enemy It’s you

Taken away

You take all the green space Chop down the trees Bringing this glorious planet to its knees Feed us pollutants Corruption and lies For profit and greed Without thought or care Fills me with utter despair Non believers carry on Apathy and ignorance their number one As the heat ramps up Change is too slow But why? Not thought that great grandkids are going to fry and die Fight wars over water and food You’ll be gone pretty soon But what about those that follow? Carry on and they’ll be no tomorrow

What we gonna do

It’s our mess that got us here Our selfish greed Our endless need We're staring down the barrel Sleep walking What we gonna do to wake up I'm muddled You can You can’t Unsure Who cares Mask up Got a cough Stay off Fake news falsifies Pure lies Lock-ins No Lockdowns Yes Isolate Bubble up Strange days New hybrid ways Incessant haze Someone Somewhere A dream fades Generation lost Heaven knows At sixes and sevens Late nights Sluggish starts Closed doors Streaming A new virtual world Life by way of a screen Outside What a beautiful day Fresh Cold air Crisp and blue Jolts life into you Frees up the mind Awakened senses Led by a bumbling farce What we gonna do to wake up How we gonna make the change Or will it be this way forever

Brother Michael

Brother Michael He’s my brother Don’t you know His glass is full He can Can do Gullible too Not cynical like me Far from being pc Seize the day his way Extrovert Karaoke King Dances Strictly That paunch Proudly on show For all to see Can exaggerate At a fair rate Deserving Was Baz fate? It’s never too late Hiccups Flatulence Sends me out of control Family and friends Laughter Sees him through Along with a pint or two Loved by many The life and soul Gets on with all From Daubhill to Dubai Has travelled the globe The seven seas Gets down on knees When it’s time to please My oh my Nearly lost him in Chaing Mai Shite me Would have had to phone Little Mammy Ladyboy chase on Koh Samui Ginger nuts out at the ready Deliverance in the States Says yes with too much haste Walked the line for Northfield cops An 'aye up cocker' Saved the day Only Michael could do it this way Loyal Keeps in touch Regular catch ups Sunday mass Father Phillip Lads trips Curry clubs Pubs pubs and pubs Skriking a theme Lancashire folk know what I mean I tell ya He's done a bit that boy Behind the door He is no more Done time on Grinder Sniffed a line Scored goals In glory holes Our Michael He’s my brother Don’t you know Call him Little Jimmy Charles Autry And you’ll answer to me

Intrusive thoughts

Lying there in my bed Intrusive thoughts roaming my head Why I do not know Sometimes I just panic that I'm going to die Must be the dreaded anxiety rearing its' ugly head again I’m gonna die I’m gonna die How it happens I don’t know All I know Is that I’m gonna die Pandemic or just the flu Heart failure A tumour or two Apprehension ahead of trips Crashing in the snow Cigar tube explodes up high Gone in the blink of an eye An epithany Catastrophe Just imagine Being taken by the sea Boat sinks offshore Never again will I see Do you have the same thoughts too? For fucks sake I’m only fifty two!! Intrusive thoughts Won’t leave ones head No religion to keep them at bay Something nasty on its way When it happens I do not know Cos all I know Is that I’m gonna die

Cocaine Ken

Covid Ken Proudly sat In his sordid cocaine den Wearing nowt But his over the shoulder bolder holder Stroking His big fat Wait for it...... Belly Counting his stash Whilst watching daytime telly Twenty years a banker Forever a wanker If truth be known This Hairy Houdini Keeps breaking free Only he could flee from San Diego Zoo Doesn’t sound plausible I know Google it It’s true I’d never lie to you Masquerades as an IFA One that’s seen his day Dodgy dealing The lesser spotted I’d say Don’t be deceived by modest tones Soon to be trapped in the only web he knows Three plus one And boom Quick as a flash He’s gone Speeding away Happy to see out another day You are the Ken in broken Gravely in need of pastures new A disgrace to men Should start over again Go on Hand your notice in then

Passing Time

I am silent without the sun Must seize the day Place no trust in tomorrow Life is but a shadow The shadow of a bird on the wing Hours fly Flowers bloom and die New days New ways pass by Love stays Come along Grow old with me The best is yet to be Be as true to each other as the dial is to the sun For time wastes us Our bodies and our wits And we waste time So time and we are quits Amidst the flowers I tell the hours Let others tell of storms and showers

The voice of mighty Joe

HEEEEELO Alright love What do you know sister Come on Sonny Jim we’re burning daylight here I'm going down with me ship me love Like you do me duck Okay Okay Pay me Rebel scum Can’t get the staff Let it rip Heads up it’s a stinky one No offence Richard Say hello to Mr Lefty and Mr Righty I can feel it in my jellies Mr smart guy Okay Okay

Dave & Jase

They’re alright those two Some would say pretty ace Approaching the door Always a friendly face Goes a long way A smile A nod Bit of banter How’s your day? Eagle eyed Directing the flow Patrolling the space Duck and dive The inclusion team will give chase A proper pair Like no other Skinny jeans One with no hair Hope replacing despair Less reprimand More understand The dream team Sound as a pound stalwarts Unsung heroes Not ten a penny Like so many Cheers fellas See you tomorrow Wait a minute Come ‘Ed Mr Law Do us a favour Please Sort them out with a quid or two more

Josh-u-a

There’s this kid I know called Josh-u-a The kinkiest bugger I know by far Cross dressing is his thing Wearing nought but an Ann Summers bra Led a meteoric rise to F.D. That’s Finance Director to you and me Must have slept with our kid after going round for tea! Now time to be more complimentary A fine lad he’s turned out to be Bakes and cooks better than that gobshite Ramsay! Soon he’ll be doing a PHD Doctor Josh he will be Not bad for humble beginnings from SK3 Gone all Manc recently Swaggering round his new home ground Sussing out the next opportunity Reckon he’ll leave for the Bay of Biscay Hobnobbing and scoffing away in the Michelin stars Of course Wearing his favourite Ann Summers bras

Protest

Protest Protest Uprising everywhere Countries divided Global dissent Anger Frustration Fills our toxic air Anti austerity Racial inequality Economic injustice too much for so many Armed uprisings Civil wars Peaceful protests And much much more Lockdown riots Reclaim our streets Anti vaxers Yellow vests Insulate Britain Plus the rest Corruption exposed Hunger strike for one Thousands marching on Independence demanded Millions left stranded Mobilising Polarising Fact or fiction Social media An influential addiction

Faith

I’m agnostic If you know what I mean Not sure why Perhaps seeing the world in simple terms Faith has just passed me by Believer in no greater force than you or I Will I regret when about to die? The Grim Reaper with a final goodbye Visited many places of worship in my time Structures of such class Stood marvelling at the carvings and stained glass Preferring to touch stone Than delve into the unknown If I had to choose I’d hop on the Pagan bus A focus on nature Not too much fuss

4:45AM

It’s 4:45 AM! Uncanny that Same time again Scratching Just give me ten Discombobulated Open up the door Eyes like jam pies Beautiful morning skies Time for a brew Daydream some more Wake up to money honey A Podcast or two Be a nodding dog by twenty past two Attack the day I hear you say No ta I’ll just potter away In a more unstructured way A wealthy man has ample time Not to dine and fine wine To while away the day Chewing the fat along the way Observing the minutiae That wasps nest in a brick wall Buzzard roaming up high Nesting birds in a cracked chimney pot Self seeding trees up near the eaves The rustling of the trees It’s 4:45AM Here we go again

Jurgen

Jurgen Norbert Klopp Nobby knobster for short How I wish he’d been a flop Playing in front of an empty Kop Born in 67 They’ll say he dropped in from heaven Tall Imposing Tombstone teeth seen from outer space Gigs that fill half his face Couple of points shy in the title race Always in the fourth officials face Animal lover Emma the retriever Loyally awaits at his door Anti racist ambassador Tactile Enigmatic Slightly erratic In touch with his feminine side Not just the red half of Merseyside Hair transplant You would never know Left wing politics proudly on show Bollywood fan Chills watching a Curry Western with a can All in all seems a decent man Once lost cup finals for fun Now on a spiffing run Fear not ye faithful Erik is near Soon to fill us with cheer

Perfect Paul

Handforth’s finest On a par with Jackie Weaver Raised on the Kippax This boy once blew dry his hair Not now it’s disappeared into thin air! Prefer to know him as Ged Following City home and away Just can’t be right in the head A student of Gnasher’s Not Denis and co I’ll have you know Pearly Whites Chompers Grinders Do not fear Cheshire Chrome is near Unlike Jackie He’s got the authority New Clickers for nana Goofies soon gone New Hampstead Heath Away with those bad British teeth Master of his trade A technician Lovingly hand made Served his apprentice Got his quals Shame I can’t get an appointment He’s buggered off on his hols

Grafterts

Tickets Tees Buy or sell Legit or Jekyll and Hyde Can you tell? Touting for trade Living day to day Some just boosting their pay Masters of making hay whilst the sun shines Sniffing out the next opportunity An unconventional Tight knit community Shady dealings Reminiscent of the odd MP! Spivs at work Designer gear Haggling Blagging away Chancers Wide boys Always finding a way Day trippers Tourists Such a delight Prey to plunder Day and night Inflationary measures to see us right Grafters Just another cog in the wheel In the almighty free market economy

Shades of green

Fields of dreams at Mirlees Buzzards breeding Ancient oak trees Unknown pleasures for the whole community What an open space Not a brick on view Puts a smile on your face Suburban tranquility Insects, wild flowers and bees fill this place Calming Natures medicine opens up some headspace The suits at VW plan to take it away Fresh from their emissions scandal of yesterday Build deluxe homes Affordable You’re having a laugh No way Bring it to its knees Might not be here to stay Left with the Fred Perry Way Why not gift and save the biodiversity A gesture of goodwill Leave behind a legacy Before you disappear back to Germany Be warned Disturbed The mystical Green Man lurks within the swaying wild meadow His curse on standby Ready to unleash havoc, pain and suffering on an industrial scale To those who fail this land

Grafters

Tickets Tees Singles or pairs Buy or sell Might be legit Can you tell? Maybe Jekyll and Hyde Lucky dip from the seedier side Touting for trade Gift of the gab The spiel soon in full flow Pitter patter What’s the matter I’m a grafter don’t you know Living day to day Some just boosting their pay Masters of making golden hay whilst the sun shines Sniffing out the next opportunity An unconventional Tight knit community Shady dealings Reminiscent of the odd MP! Spivs at work Got any spares Designer wares Haggling Wheeling Dealing Blagging away Subculture here to stay Chancers Wide boys Always finding a way Day trippers Tourists Such a delight Prey to plunder Day and night Inflationary measures it will have to be Good times to see us right Grafters Just another cog In the almighty free market wheel

North Star State

The land of 10,000 lakes Plus one or two more Eerie calls from the State bird The Common Loon wants to be heard Dylan from Duluth Singing Walls of Red Wing and Tangled Up in Blue Prince hails from here too Purple Rain Diamonds and Pearls Twin Cities Minneapolis and St Paul Judy Garland from Grand Rapids A child star that fell so far That famous accent in Fargo Too good be true The long o’s Oh yah You betcha Dontchaknows Downtown sky walking Zig zagging block to block The Mall of America Let’s shop til we drop Go see the Vikings Timberwolves Or Twins Loons led by Inchy And Minnesota Wild Rarely the best But love to compete with the rest From Lake Itasca A trickle Merely a gentle flow To begin the mighty Mississippi A journey all way to the Gulf of Mexico That I did not know Remembering George Floyd How could we forget Yet another shameful day Police brutality that’s not gone away Carried out by racist DNA Jesse James came and had a go Feared outlaw across the Midwest Northfield Defiant Put on a brave show Cries of get your guns boys they’re robbing the bank Townsfolk defeated James and co Sent him packing On his way Now celebrated in a joyous annual day

Metaverse

Heard of this Metaverse one day last year Thought to myself Come on You’re avin’ me on Somewhere Somehow Some smart arse twat actually coined that phrase Thought it sounded ace In truth belongs to an author back in 82 Hijacked in a Silicon Valley boardroom for the likes of me and you Modern day disease A scourge Bots at home and overseas infiltrate your news feed Or is it just you? Gone viral in the blink of an eye Pinballed across the sky Keyboard warriors take aim and fire Tap tap tapping away So pleased it wasn’t around in my day Spineless bullies take sanctuary within four walls So easy to spread fear Fake news Fake fake news mate Breeding ground for hate Meddle meddle Peddle lies Just a click to divide Destabilise Nigh on impossible to criminalise Can’t believe some folk believe But believe so many do How can that be? Astonishes me That headline must be true Scanned it whilst making a brew Must question Ask who why what where and when Check facts Discuss over a pint or ten

My Old Man

My old man He’s dead clever you know As a kid I bestowed upon him the title B.B.B Big Brain Brian he will always be School ran out of maths books at age seven Went to Cambridge and did this thing called a PhD Academia It never rubbed off on me Just chuffed to pass my C.S.E Must be the black sheep of our family Well Oxford did come calling No no no Not the university The university of life taught all I need to know Went to see Fergie’s Red Army The Littlewoods Cup 5th Round The Manor Ground Had a right nightmare homeward bound Likes to be right Exact Spot on The scientist at work Research Data Organise and plan UMIST lectures Fungi foraging Simply Books Devours them for fun Competitive Not half Even Tiddlywinks Won’t let the grandkids have a head start Member of all these societies The Manchester Lit and Phil the oldest Goes way back to 1781 Walked the Pennine Way Stayed all over the UK Squash Run Canoe Climbing peaks Powered by coffee flowing through veins Aided by a gin or two Home brew Asparagus Brandy butter Smelly cheese Climate change will bring us to our knees David Attenborough wrote back to say he agrees Loves his iPad and PC A bit of a lefty Just more considered than swampy Softy at heart His office a sanctuary Spends hours up there Guardian loyalist Gadgets galore More at his disposal than 007 Rohan fanatic Pockets a plenty Drives a Volkswagen faster than a Bentley Inherited love of sport from a colossus Great Great Uncle Fred Late 1800s Stood towering above Man mountain of his era Six foot eight tall Eyes are blue Big Fred Tyler is coming for you Captain of Northants County Cricket, Rugby and Hockey The list goes on and on President of this that and the other Golf Bowls Fishing Basketball was missing back then Hoops would have come so easy Dunking all day long

You better believe it

A clueless muppet who lacks any class Complete tit Self-absorbed fuckwit Utter tool Toss pot and fool A bell end buffoon all the way No mark nobby day by day Wanker extraordinaire A total disgrace to our human race Arrogant twat Dirty little rat Smarmy fucker Son of a bitch like no other Rancid face that even your mother cannae luvva Top notch turd features on show for all to see Arse licking turncoat Privileged as can be What an obnoxious lying idiot you turned out to be A freak of nature indeed Wearing your shite tweed No credibility Ignorant of reality No legacy at all Never standing tall Swooping lower than a snakes belly Seen your slug like mush on the telly Tell me, tell me Just tell me you fool How does it feel to be such a cock 24/7 around the clock

Mates

Started down the park Messing Having tons of fun Then school, work and play Online for young uns nowadays Some stay the course Pals forever and ever Thick as thieves all the way Band of brothers like no others Wise cracking Others fade away like a melting glacier of today Some more casual More like acquaintances I’d say Passing through a revolving door Do a good turn at the drop of a hat Regardless of when we last had a chat I’ll forever be grateful for that There in the hour of need Your back covered indeed Seen you grow into the mighty fine human you are today Raised a family Getting older Balder and more grey A paunch that’s here to stay Career path that’s bobbed and weaved Had your ups and downs In you I’ve always believed A note of caution to those out there Plain sailing indefinitely it cannot be Things ain’t always what they seem you see Bolt of lightening Completely out of the blue Surely Cannot be true Piercing dagger to the heart Didn’t have a clue You just never know Trust has such a fine line Head spinning Floored Betrayed To fix this matter Build a bonfire I wouldn't piss on you if on fire Left with no choice But to execute Order 66

Mr Shaw

He’s fat He’s round He's worth a million pounds Plus he bounces on the ground Mr Shaw Mr Shaw He’s left He’s gone To weeble wobble on We’ll just have to carry on Without Mr Shaw Without Mr Shaw He’s been here He’s been there He’s been every friggin where From Katmandu To Timbuktu Don’t you know He’s better than me and you Mr Shaw Mr Shaw Urine Eau De Feline The scent drifts far and wide No place to god damn hide From Mr Shaw From Mr Shaw Happy munching in the car Such a humble superstar No fancy eatery Even at the expense Of dishy Rishi For Mr Shaw For Mr Shaw Standing five foot tall Only gone and done it all He wears a chufty badge Didn’t you know Didn’t you know Now stroking pussy Sat on ones knee Supping a nice cuppa tea That will do nicely For Mr Shaw For Mr Shaw Quick dip in the pool Now who’s the fool He’ll never be poor Of that i’m sure He’ll always be Mr Shaw

Sweet and Sour

Sharwood’s Sweet and Sour Sauce Consumed by the hour Powers you up It’s golden this stuff Nectar Love it we do Can’t get enough Some jars have pineapple and other silly bits Left for the half wits and weirdos that stalk the aisles My wife thinks I’ve gone stir fry crazy Gone bonkers Lost the plot you have Where on earth are you going to put that lot? Like one of those hoarders on daytime telly For whatever reason it gives me a buzz Puts fire in my belly Do not fret my love Can go above Joe’s bed Under the stairs Within wardrobes Anywhere in fact will do Can I just say it was bargain of the day Spotted it on my Trolley App This woman in the queue said wow 22 Yes I don’t mess around when a deal is found They were a right steal Had to be done Bumpy road ahead The pound is shrinking Currency sliding Losing ground Economy standing still Shrinkflation across this once great nation Prices spiralling out of control We had a natter about the cost of living Shared some tips on what to do Agreed we’re fortunate in lots of ways Parted Have a nice day Now time to start looking for places to stash this stuff away

Kamikaze Kwasi

Kamikaze Kwasi Party politics Raegonomics Deluded economics from a bye gone era Rising inflation A terrified nation Truss & Co incubated for this day To deliver their ideological say Hellbent on further inequality Trickle down Doesn’t work you clown President Joe told you so The paradox being droughts on the rise Where nowt trickles down since the source has run dry Eight individuals hold the wealth of fifty per cent Yes fifty per cent Not 50 Cent you muppet Crazy stat is that Completely bonkers Red Wall open your eyes In Liz we do not Trusst

Autumn

Mild then cold Emerald green turns to crimson and gold Six for a secret never to be told Bouncing raindrop bombs Swirling leaves falling from trees Soggy then crisp underfoot Whistling wind Cool bright days Cannot believe it’s just been 38 degrees Dead heading The final mow Warm glow Rosy cheeks Pumpkin carving Morning condo Breath seen in fresh air like a school kid vaper Shorter days Cosy nights Cries of geese flying south Swifts and Swallows follow Floodlit football Shots in arms Farmers harvest crops Prices up Heating down Clocks turn back Forwards we gaze

Thursday Nights

Thursday nights Are Europa nights For our boys in red and white Cos they are effin shite Yes that’s right They’re effin shite Ronny up top The lad has no pace Benched with a miserable face Rapha is made of balsa wood Yes balsa wood Slab head turns slower than Jodrell Bank Greenwood a disgrace Wanking at home watching Homes Under the Hammer McFred does not equal Keane Has to be a bad dream Not fit for the reserve team Galactico cast offs We’ll ave em all The bigger you are the harder you fall Across the pond Leprechauns at the helm Running this shit show from afar Blood sucking leeches Speeches from stands Chanting hang the Glazers Could be worse Residing in the middle east Human rights deniers No blood on hands Just dividends Tens and tens of millions

Vinted

Downloaded this App called Vinted Bish Bash Bong The Three Stripes man is now minted Best thing since sliced bread Can’t get the damn thing out of me head Favourite my gear New or old Soon to be sold Blimey it’s ace Blows Marketplace out the ballpark up into space 200 reviews 5 Star rated No postage fees Just deliveries from Hermes et al The Treasury haven’t a clue Must be blind Their ad is on primetiime TV Mind you Heads are up their arses It’s a right old Eton farce Chancellor’s office has a revolving door Kwasi Alfred Kwarteng doesn’t give a toss about the poor Believe me Every penny goes back into the economy Unlike the Square Mile Offshore accounts Strutting around with a wry old smile that lot Sat high up on perches in Canary Wharf Bonuses that dwarf your yearly salary Their work not all it’s cracked up to be Soulless Hollow Compared to those that serve Still A bitter pill to swallow

Zombie

Zombie at the lectern Performing yet another u-turn One more tough decision Just a pity they’re not right Another nail in the coffin Puts her vision out of sight Spitting Image writers licking lips with delight Dear friend Kwasi is no more Insisted he was going nowhere Now exited through that revolving door Trussenomics on the floor She can answer just the four Repeat responses Responses repeat It won’t be long This P.M. is dead meat

Matty P

Matty P Likes to be known as the Boro boy does he But it’s all a sham you see Secretly a part of the Toon Army All these years kept hidden from his family Working undercover for the Saudi’s Sportswashing Spreading lies All in return for a balti pie, newcy brown and a seat up high Cannae wait for the first trophy Told him it’s gonna happen within ano cinco However it’s never too late To go on the straight and narrow Leave that filth behind Exile to become an adopted son of the Republic of Mancunia After all On the sixth day God created Manchester not Newcastle For the likes of me and you Bee happy Come on Matty P Rid your soul of that Geordie inside thee

Woodsmoor Wanderers

Come hither thee Detectorists we shall be The Woodsmoor Wanderers Heads down Coils to the soil Digging in the West Country Afraid not Not about the Archeology Roaming farmers fields What will this land yield Unearthing hidden treasures Silver Nuggets of gold Secrets that were never told

WTF

Double digit inflation Rents rising with spy balloons An ever divided nation We’re flat lining Best start mining the moon Led by wolves Feeding off scraps to make ends meet Ditch the hormone injected meat WTF We got Tik Tok Detectives Toxic Influencers going viral Kardashian’s and Andrew Tate Now what’s not to hate? Scammers and co Rolling around in ill gotten dough Knob heads out with placards again Conspiracy Theorists in my town Count to ten son I hear you say Bunch of feckless clowns How’s about I mow you down? Post Mortem’s a sham No guts No heart No brain Soulless No shame You are what you are Wasted talentless empty shell Welcome to your bum education A gift from Tory scum Self serving Etonian twats Pity you ain’t t got no dignity Bring back the death penalty Consign all these mother fuckers to history

Funny Business

Funny business Dodgy deals Freeby meals Back handers and lies Fingers in pies Bungs Blurred lines Pockets lined Brown envelopes if you know what I mean Swooping lower than a snakes belly Bent as a nine bob note Sixth sense Gut feeling Existence with no meaning Corporate greed What a surprise! VWs adorn the drive Blatant No attempt to disguise Persevere to prevail Fight the power Plenty of wind left in our sail

D’ya Wanna Brew

Shame on you Never even muttered those golden words D’ya wanna brew? Your old mucker locked out in the pissing rain Have you ever been rejected? Felt pain that eats up your mother fuckin brain Clients come and go Only need em to pay the leccy don’t you so Who knows bro I might not be here tomorrow Systems Establishments Corporate bollocks and greed They’ll carry on Long after I’m gone Thrown in a coffin on a journey to become dust Rise like a Phoenix I must Door ajar Welcome and a brew never too far

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

Blog entries by Richard Tyler

Josh-u-a (26/11/2021)

Protest (26/11/2021)

Mirlees Fields (22/04/2020)

Blog link: https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/richardtyler