There are things a poet shouldn’t do

like fly a plane or fix a shoe

Or hang a picture on the wall

it will either slant, or fall

Any vocation that makes you bored

Accountancy is best ignored

Adopting an extreme yoga position

is at odds with a poetic disposition

Woodwork, tapestry or macrame

Joining the Territorial Army

Playing golf or running a bar

No poet...

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I want the Nobel Prize

The one they give for Peace

I want the Nobel Prize

So give it to me please

It’s not that I’m needy,

Ignorant, profane

It’s just I need an ego massage

Now and again

Give me that fucking prize

It shouldn’t be a drama

You gave it Jimmy Carter, Mandela and Obama

Give me the prize

I’m feeling Presidential

Or I’ll push the nuclear button

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(with acknowledgements to Cubby Broccoli)

We’ve a new allotment holder

Just retired from MI6

Wears a Beretta on his shoulder

Calls our lady members “chicks”

Drives a silver coloured DB5

He won’t get much in that

When he has to transport compost

From his Docklands penthouse flat

He takes his Martini shaken,

In his shed he keeps a score

Of days spent with psych...

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There is no finer prospect

Than the idyllic, tranquil scene

Of cliffs and fells and water bright

Of the Coniston Fourteen

And gathered all together

Beneath the Old Man’s craggy face

Fifteen hundred runners

Anxious before the race

Amongst them, there was I

In my gloves and woolly hat

Pondering the test ahead

And how I’d handle that

The announcer s...

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There is no finer prospect

Than the idyllic, tranquil scene

Of cliffs and fells and water bright

Of the Coniston Fourteen

And gathered all together

Beneath the Old Man’s craggy face

Fifteen hundred runners

Anxious before the race

Amongst them, there was I

In my gloves and woolly hat

Pondering the test ahead

And how I’d handle that

The announcer s...

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At Algorithm central

it’s time to make a choice

between ChatGPT and DeepSeek

While you still have your own voice

It’s a race to get the brightest app

whose misleading demeanour

will leave you in some logic trap

A digital in betweener

We know AI will kill us all

It’s no harmless lingua franca

It’s been created just for profit

By some lawless tech bro wank...

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Wee Willie’s agent made the call

Willie wasnae expecting it at all

As in his bed he idly lay

That fateful January day

“Get up Willie, Tam exclaimed

Get oot your bed and leave yer hame

Get on your kilt, your brogues, your hose

And grab your pipes and don your clothes

I’ve had a call from the SRU

The very man they need is you

This is no wind up, it’s the truth

They ...

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When this place first opened

It was a science fiction wonder

A gleaming, glassy palace

Over the tarmac rapids’ thunder

At night it was a spaceship

In a ribboned Milky Way

Of Ford Anglias and Zodiacs 

With its shimmering array

Of magazines and wine gums

Pies and chips and peas

For modern minded connoisseurs

To bask in motoring ease

Peeling off th...

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