Broken

Take my hand, I broke it forging chains that bind me,

Take my head, I broke it on the Jagged rocks,

Take my eyes, I broke them on the lights that blind me,

Take my ears, broken by the ticking clocks,

Take my back, broken by this heavy burden,

Take my legs, broken by the road,

Take my ribs, broken by the lungs beneath them,

Take my shoulders, broken by the load,

Take my heart, broken by the tears of ages,

Take my soul, broken by temptation,

Take my peace, broken by a thousand rages,

Take my mind, broken by frustration,

Take my will, broken by the rust of decades,

Take my strength, broken by it's toil,

Take my word, broken by the promises made

Take my love, one thing left unspoiled.

 

◄ Climb

Hallows Harbinger ►

Comments

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Jason Bayliss

Tue 1st Oct 2019 17:09

Thanks Kevin, I do think it sounds better the way Graham was saying, but I also believe that you catch the thought as it's thrown, so to speak. Thanks though mate, much appreciated.

J. x

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Jason Bayliss

Tue 1st Oct 2019 17:07

No, actually I really like that Graham. I'm one of those that does edit a bit but wouldn't change a whole poem once it's written, but I have to say, you're absolutely right.

I'll take that on board for future, and can I also say thank you for some constructive criticism, it genuinely helps.

J. x

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kJ Walker

Tue 1st Oct 2019 17:05

I can see where Graham is coming from, but I think it reads equally well either way.

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Graham Sherwood

Tue 1st Oct 2019 12:05

This is a really clever piece of work Jason. Repetitive poems can be very effective but have you tried reading it using the "take my' words only every other line.

"Take my hand, I broke it forging chains that bind me, my head, I broke on the Jagged rocks"

I think it reads better that way imho only go course.

Nice work.

Graham

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