začetek / the beginning

Na začetku sem se spraševala, kako ovrednotiti besede in občutke, v tej sivini sem vsako solzo odpisala stran, kot nepomemben člen v enačbi, kot kamenček na makadamski cesti v stari vasi, ni pomembno. Nič več ni pomembno, ker si ne zaslužim čutiti, ker sem spoznala, da si ne zaslužim biti človek, da človek sploh nisem, da krutost ni človeška, ne do sebe – do drugih pa še manj.

Ponoči sem se znašla v tvojih rokah, ki si jih nisem zaslužila. Še vedno sem ti zagotavljala, da sem tvoja, in ne, nisem ti lagala. Pa je bil samo dotik po bledih nogah dovolj, da sem jih še bolj zasovražila. Vsak del telesa sem hotela umiti in prebeliti, da se tvoji prstni odtisi ne bi poznali. Še bolj pa sem hotela za vedno ostati v tem trenutku, v tej ljubezni.

 

at the beginning i was wondering how to evaluate my words and emotions, in all of these grey hues i disregarded every tear as an unimportant part of an equation, like a little stone on the macadam road in the old village, it is not important. nothing is important anymore because i do not deserve to feel, because i came to realize that i do not deserve to be a human, that being a human is not me, that cruelty is not humane, not to yourself - much less to any other.

in the night i found myself in your arms, i did not deserve them too. i was still promising you my heart to be only yours and no, i did not lie. but only a touch on my pale legs was enough for me to hate them more. i wanted to wash and bleach every part of my body so that your fingertips would not stay on the skin. even more, i wanted to forever stay in this moment, in this love.

englishsloveniantranslation

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7.february 2019 ►

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