2,190 Steps Back
How sweetly your lips felt the last time I kissed them so fucking toxic.
This heart dropped to a stutter my stomach went instantly nauseous.
You are so hypnotic my emotions became hypnotized.
Blinded by empty promises turned into lies.
And I still deny that I am being pulled from both ends.
I still pretend you aren't shredding me apart because I still bend to your will I cannot fill the hole you've left so I choke when my lungs let out a breath because it's letting go all we had left.
That since the day I met you my greatest fear was you.
Send the message.
She smiled at me.
Is this a curse?
Is this a blessin?
Shit I was only a freshman but within you I saw my first glimpse of Heaven!
But you've turned into a lesson.
My first confession,
You were my first obsession.
You took away my aggression and my hidden depression.
You were the first connection I had felt not to mention the first to show me true affection.
You taught me how to love.
You see my Mother told me stories and what love is like but I didn't realize what it would do to me till one day I looked in your eyes and didn't notice the color till that day.
I never noticed how your smile would make me smile on my darkest days but when I did I wasn't scared.
And my second confession,
I faced my fear.
Once I let my heart decide it all became clear.
I didn't want you for a couple months.
I wanted years.
And shit I was only 14.
But now It no longer seems obscene. it's been 6 years and I still want you as my Queen.
We're blocked off.
A glass screen.
You let me look at your beauty but in time the mistakes became too much for you.
6 years Is a long time.
We aren't kids anymore I guess we are living life.
Young adults but I am thinking twice,
Cause yeah I am busy and we've gone through so much but you're still the one I want next to me at night.
But my hands feel like they never held yours.
All this has turned into my nightmare
But my heart still chasing dreams of course.
And when that fucking thing beats it says your name it calls screaming for the source.
It shows no remorse.
I think of you,
My mind keeps score.
It reminds me that with you I didn't have insecurities.
I didn't see any impurities.
It reminds me every morning I can't tell you I love you and kiss you and get you your morning coffee.
It reminds me that when my phone rings it'll never be you.
It reminds me the hard truth that if I open my facebook feed one day I'll find you with another dude and just thinking of that brings the pain to my doorstep.
And when it starts knocking I know the door locks won't lock it out.
My third confession,
And I hate being so vulnerable,
I don't see happiness in things anymore.
I drown my pain with nicotine and liquor.
Yet once I do that it's only the tears that stop.
But the agony is still stored.
I'll drink you away till I find myself on the floor.
And when I feel you I go for more.
You are no longer My glimpse of Heaven.
THIS IS HELL
constantly mocking my brain,
Driving me fucking insane.
With you gone nothing is the same you took my personality away...
I look in the mirror,
And I don't see myself.
I fucking see you.
And my last confession,
I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you do what you do.
You never used to push me out no matter what happened we'd work it out we would talk for hours on the phone, we'd Skype when I went on long vacations at my grandparents home.
But now I am constantly alone.
An all time low.
Trying to stay on my feet but I'm on my toes.
One day I'm going to let go.
I hope you know.
And when I do don't ever try coming back because you made your choice with the lack of showing me that you love me and how can I believe you when all you do is purposely ignore me.
2,190 days I have walked in your life.
But today marks day 1.
Where I officially say goodbye.