Confession: Feeding Cornflakes To A Deceased Nun Is Easy If You Don't Know What You're Doing
i accidentally fed cornflakes to a deceased nun
it wasn't on purpose
she didn't die deliberately
it was a first for both of us..
i then attempted to feed the nun coffee
to help her swallow the cornflakes
she didn’t drink the coffee either
a deceased nun can’t drink coffee
perhaps i should have offered her tea
i know i often learn
by such ass-backwards
esoteric ether transference experiences..
i recall my note to self
next time you are with a nun
a nun you don’t realise is deceased
offer her a nice cup of tea
forget the cornflakes..
you won’t receive your care work nvq level 2
if you carry on like this..
i could hear the voices
this is what you get
when you have children of indian immigrants
working in the nhs..
i was consoled by a sympathetic patient nearby
who watched me try to feed the deceased nun
never mind darlin
it’s the thought that counts
it was quite sweet really
almost better than telly
have you got a cigarette
she didn’t look that dead you know..
i wheeled her past the fire exit door
we stood there for a few minutes
within our late 1990s curlicue pre-chemtrail haze
wrapping ourselves for dear life
while rem’s what’s the frequency kenneth
segued to sophie b.hawkins right beside you
the radio at the nursing station
and offered such demi-angel-wave transmissions..
she asked will you get into trouble for that
for the nun..i replied
i mean because you offered me a ciggy..
..anyway she died so you never harmed her
and she was a nun
so if she was watching you from above
trying to feed her
she would have forgiven you
nuns have out of body experiences after they’re dead
like taxi drivers they have the knowledge..
i thanked her
i won’t get in trouble
and hospital is the best place for smokers
so you’re in the right place
so no i won’t get in trouble
so no worries but thanks you’re kind..
you cheered me up
i won’t forget..that..
we went back to the ward
and as i wheeled her by her bed
a porter was wheeling the nun away
wrapped in sheets like an egyptian mummy
i never saw the porter dressed like that before
and the ward sister asked me to come to the office..
were you the one who was with her..she asked
yeah..she just wanted..needed a cigarette i replied
she shook her head and laughed
don’t tell me the nun smoked
nothing surprises me anymore
we’re both due a coffee-break the sister mused
cheers i replied
she paused before whispering
..take it easy..
i nodded i’ll try
and with our cappuccino’d plastic
we both walked to another emergency fire exit..