The scariest dream I’ve ever had

was one about me, it was really bad

It felt so vivid and real you see

Especially given that it was little old me

 

I dreamt I’d been bad and so much so

That the old Bill were hastily on their toes

No, not running away from me

But asking everyone if I’d been seen

 

They’d been busy looking for a stolen van

As well as trying to track down ‘Steak Diane’

She’d been robbing shops of all their meat

To raise more money for a cocaine treat

 

Anyway back to me, and me ‘orrible plight

When I woke up there weren’t a copper in sight

I’d been tossin’ and turnin’ in an ice cold sweat

And consequently me sheets were all soggy and wet.

 

It crossed me mind to leave ‘em till

The Wife’s Carer’s came to give her her pills

But on second thoughts I’d hurt me shoulder

So I grinned and bared it and turned back over

 

But lo and behold when I closed me eyes

The same dream carried on, I could ‘av cried

I dreamt I’d done summat drastic as such

And now the judge is gonna bang me up!!